


Memento

by Alltheshrinks



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Dark, F/M, Het sex- but most is implied and not explicit, Incest, Infidelity, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Oral Sex, Porn, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rating: NC17, Rimming, Sibling Incest, Switch Dean Winchester, Switch Jared Padalecki, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alltheshrinks/pseuds/Alltheshrinks
Summary: How can two people, who share the exact same DNA, raised in the exact same environment be so different? Or is it completely impossible? Jared Padalecki is about to find out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty dark fic. There are elements of non consensual sex due to drugs. I am in no way supportive of those behaviors.
> 
> Also, I hope you enjoy. Also -kudos are life and comments make me insanely happy. If you have questions or want to see something message me. My Twitter is All_the_Shrinks.

_Present_

The first indication that something is not quite right is the multiple electronic dings sounding far away in his brain. He knows that tone, but for the life of him, Jensen Ackles can not place it. One clipped chirp, two clipped chirps, and so on until at least a dozen have gone off in rapid succession.  
  
"Jesus, what does a guy gotta do around here to get some peace?" He mumbles to no one in particular and flails blindly for the offending device. After thumbing over the Touch ID, he cautiously opens his eyes he groans and closes them again. He slept with his contacts in again and his eyes are painful and dry and just hurt. Reaching further back on the nightstand, he retrieves a tissue and scrapes the silicone lenses from his eyes. Muscle memory retrieves his glasses from the drawer and he opens his eyes again.  
  
As expected, the alerts are from Dean, his older brother and range from"Hey, are you alive?" To "We are doing brunch, right?" His mouth feels like he slept with cotton balls and maybe a dead rodent in it and his head throbs.  
  
His response is quick. Lightening fast thumbs fly over the keyboard to spell out, "Yeah, send me the deets" and then sits up. He hurts. His arms and legs feel too heavy and too uncooperative and images of the night before flash through his mind.  
  
Peels of laughter sound in his mind and his reflexes cause his lips to lift up into a face splitting grin. His damn cheeks even hurt. He vaguely remembers watching the game at his brother's condo with his new neighbor the evening before, but has no memory of leaving or getting home.  
  
He hears a female voice say, "Jen, sweetie? Are you in here?" It sudden dawns on him, it's his wife's voice.  
  
‘Elizabeth’ his brain supplies. "Sleepy head". A stunning brunette jumps on the bed and wraps her arms around him. He flinches from the contact and she frowns. "What's wrong?"  
  
Jensen's ribs hurt. The don't appear bruised in the quickly increasing sunlight. "Sore. And did I doze back off? Shit". He was supposed to pick her up from the airport at 10am and he watches her smile.  
  
"I got an earlier flight. Took a taxi. I missed you. I sent you a message and a voice mail..." her voice trails off as she takes in his appearance. He's pale. His glasses are are tiny rectangles that barely hide the puffy, red rimmed orbs and dark shadows under his eyes. "How much did you have to drink last night?"  
  
"Honestly, not that much. I think I'm coming down with something. I feel 'off' ". Even his voice is raw and rough around the edges.  
  
"I talked to Dean at 3am, Jen". He frowns again. He feels like he is missing a huge part of the puzzle and no one will supply him with even a hint. "He said you were passed out drooling on his couch and he was, and I quote 'hand delivering your heavy ass home, because I even had to drag his lazy ass out of the womb, and I didn't sign up for this bullshit' ".  
  
"Hmm" he hums trying to pry the info from his brain and can't. "Well, I'm here. Safe and sound". She kisses his temple.  
  
"Take a shower, I'm going to make you some coffee."  
  
"Dammit, brunch" he hisses. What the hell is wrong with him?  
  
"What did brunch do to you?" Her amused voice gently offers and he glances at his phone next to the pillow.  
  
"I told Dean we'd meet him." He thumbs open his phone and shows her the message.  
  
"We have an hour. Shower, shave and please brush your teeth. Twice." She pats his leg and he groans again. "What did you guys do last night?" he hears as she exits their bedroom.  
  
"Good question" his answer is quiet and to the empty room.

 

*******  
  
  
Green eyes, a strong jaw and a lazy smile focuses intently on an extremely attractive blonde. She's droning on about "...the movers lost a whole bunch of my shoes and outerwear. Good thing I won't need jackets much here. NO WAY!!" She squeals and Dean Ackles doesn't even turn around.

 The novelty of having an identical twin wore off at age 5. Instead, he smiles and says "Lizzie, sweetheart, when are you going to leave this loser and run away with me?" Small arms tighten around his neck and he breathes his sister-in-law in. She smells clean and familiar and like home.  
  
Across the table, the blonde huffs and says "and here I thought we were running away together?" Her arms fold across her chest and it's in a teasing manner.  
  
A third female voice chimes in from his left. "Dean has been promising to run away forever. I wish he'd get on with it because I have Jensen to comfort". Chair legs slide back and an exotic looking beauty stands and hugs her. "Good to see you. How's your sister?"  
  
"She's good, worn out from the newborn. I guess that's expected". Dean only then glances at his brother. It's a small thing and then a hand on his bicep. A universal language for 'are you okay?' Strong fingers wrap around it in an equally universal reply 'I'm good'.  
  
"Jared, you met the inferior brother last night. This stunning thing is Adrienne. Jensen, Elizabeth". Handshakes and pleasantries are lost on Dean as the table becomes six and he's bored. Bored Dean is a bad thing.  
  
  
"You were actual cheerleaders?" Apparently The novelty has not lost his shine as Adrienne's voice is delighted.  
  
"UCLA," Deans voice supplies. "We were too small for football in Texas. Seemed like a good idea at the time".  
  
"Dean means sleeping with the other cheerleaders, seemed like a good idea at the time. All of them". Jensen voice is teasing and Dean laughs.  
  
"Except for Jenny. Prude".  
  
"Whore." It's an easy reply. It's expected and more affectionate then it should be.  
  
Adrienne giggles unabashedly at Jared's phone. "OMG!" Small hand covering her mouth and Jensen's brows furrow.  
  
"Are you gonna share with the class, Padalecki?" Dean sips his water an doesn't even seem interested. Jared turns his phone screen around and Jensen blinks. He's lifted high above Dean's head in the foyer of Dean's Condo. Straining biceps and it feels wrong.  
  
Flashes slot into place. A scene that Jensen only feels like an observer in enters his head.

" _I don't believe you" Jared's voice is a dare._  
  
_A giggle escapes. It's Jensen's. "It's true. But I am so not lifting his big ass."  
  
"This ass is a treasure," Dean's mock offended reply earns another giggle from his brother. "Okay, bulimia boy. I'll lift you". Jensen doesn't even know why he agreed.  
  
"In the foyer, I'm not cracking my head on the ceiling". Before easy hands and practiced moves slot into place, Jensen looks him in the eyes. "If you drop me and I crack my head open..."  
  
Dean leers. It's charming and dangerous and like a bear trap. "I'll steal your identity and ravish your wife". It's the only reassurance he's going to get._  
  
  
Back in the restaurant he feels his wife's gentle whisper. "No wonder you're sore. My God, Jen. You are 30, not 20.”  
  
"He's sore? He didn't even do anything..." and something feels wrong. He glances across the space and Adrienne is still smiling. Jared is staring at him. Its intense and laughter echoes in his ear.  
  
_Suddenly, someone exhales harshly in his ear. And Jared is still staring. In a poorly lit memory. His reflection has soaked hair and closed eyes and moving beneath him._ Jensen's stomach lurches.

"Oh God..." before he realizes, he's standing up. Five sets of eyes look concerned. "I'm not feeling so great," he explains and makes his way to the men's room.  
  
Cool water splashes on his face and Jensen doesn't know what the hell is wrong. Dark images, slightly out of focus swirl just out of his grasp. He hears a whiskey rough moan in his ear. " _Come_ ". It's sickening and arousing and he keeps hearing it.  
  
_"Come," muscles strain beneath his hands and those eyes still stare.  
_  
"Come," the voice isn't in his memory and Jensen shoves its owner away.  
  
"I said 'are you coming back out?'"  
  
"Jesus, fuck. Dean, don't sneak up on me like that!"  
  
"This bathroom is made out of mirrors, asshole. How the hell did I sneak up on you?" His brother holds out his arms and spins around. The only sound is the click of Italian leather loafers on marble and his hammering heartbeat.  
  
"What happened last night?" His voice is small and fragile and foreign.  
  
"We drank. We watched the game. We talked shit and you passed out. I called you a cab and made sure you made it home. And I see you slept in your contacts". His brother's voice is serious in ways that it normally isn't and Jensen feels his sanity crack. A strong arm wraps around his shoulders and he says "come on, little brother". It's comforting and completely familia and platonic.  
  
Jensen sits back in his chair. Liz looks concerned, but only mildly so. "Mimosa all around" he hears Dean's voice say and it confuses him.  
  
"Water," his lips form the words and it comes out louder than he intended. "I... uh... I just want water, please,". The concept seems alien to the six people staring back at him. The waitress nods politely and Jensen feels his world tilt on its axis again.  
  
_He's laughing again. His dismount was damn near perfect and his brother is on top of him laughing. Fingers dig into his sides and it tickles so bad he can't breathe. He's been there a hundred times before. Destructive fingers that are relentless and claw into delicate flesh. He's laying on top of himself again. Hair damp and plastered to his head and his name slips out of those lips in a way it never should. Raspy and sex drunk and he's never heard it so wrecked. "Jensen...”_  
  
"Jensen" the table's occupants are staring at him again and he shies away from the gaze of those intense Hazel eyes. A pair of moss green one bore into his "are you ready to order?" Confident smile and a chuckle. "Sorry, my little brother isn't feeling so well. Can you give us a minute, sweetheart. Thanks."  
  
"You know, Dean. Four minutes is hardly seniority. So your pushy ass beat me out? Attention whore then, attention whore now". It's spoken easily and eases some of the tension in the room. He smiles politely at the Padaleckis. "I'm sorry. I think I'm coming down with something". Understanding smiles and giggles are back. But it doesn't calm his frayed nerves.  
  
"Don't let him lie to you. He's awkward and weird when he's feeling well," it's what they do. Dean deflects. He likes the attention, he loves the powerful feeling that having a rapt audience gives him. His expensive clothes and expensive toys are all tools.  
  
Conversation drifts to jobs and degrees and Jensen learns that Jared and Adrienne are both fellow lawyers. Did he know that? "Jensen hates being a lawyer," he hears his twin say. Easy and in between sips of his drink. Adrienne gasps.  
  
"That's a lot of education to do something you hate," her voice is sympathetic and he shrugs.  
  
"Not many other acceptable careers with a History degree". The word acceptable is said as a slur and he doesn't care.  
  
"Oh please. Dad was never gonna let you become an educator. You knew that then." Dean is on his third drink and it's a tired argument.  
  
Liz clears her throat and interjects. "So Adrienne, will you be practicing here in California?"  
  
"Possibly. But not after we start a family." Jared tenses next to her and he gets the feeling that he's had that same argument about kids and babies and stability.  
  
"Shit. I'm surrounded by biological clocks in overdrive". Monica smacks Dean's arm and it's the first admonishment she's offered.  
  
Adrienne offers, "Come on Dean. Don't you want a couple of kids? A miracle you made?"  
  
"Who says I don't already have a couple of kids?" It's the easy comeback and not spoken with his usual gusto.  
  
"They could be mine, and you'd never know". Jensen's tone sing songs and he meets green eyes, unwavering. "Dean hates sharing. We share so much, that the thought of me giving away his DNA creeps him the fuck out. He's kinda a snob, too".  
  
The betrayal in those matching eyes is almost a physical thing and Jensen immediately hates himself.  
  
  
Later that afternoon, Jensen falls asleep over contracts and a gentle hand nudges him awake. "Jensen. Let's go upstairs," it's dark outside he blindly follows Liz up the stairs and into the bedroom. His toothbrush is heavy in his hand and when he spits, crimson tints the expelled foam. He peels his lip away from his teeth and his gums and jaw are red and inflamed. Delicate flesh is raw and tender. He's too tired to even think about the implications and slips into his bed.  
  
Liz leans over and kisses him sweetly and he groans when they become more urgent. The one night he wants to sleep and she wants to jump his bones. Typical.  
  
"Honey, I'm wrecked. Can we not do this tonight?" He can not believe he's saying that.  
  
"I haven't seen you in two weeks. That's 14 days. I missed you and you..." she turns away from him and something breaks.  
  
Jensen is unsure of anything happening, except that pressure on his lap and the slip slide of skin. A rhythm is building and feminine moans fracture the silence. Hands on small hips and Liz's beautiful body is bathed in moonlight. How long had they been doing this? His pelvic bone hurts on every thrust into her body and that's weird.  
  
_Suddenly, the weight in his lap increases and a delicate waist gives way to washboard abs and he stares up into Jared's face. His eyes are slits and the rhythm becomes urgent. He curses and arches his back and hears Dean say "come"._  
  
The words slip from his own mouth and suddenly he's spilling into a tightening vice. Hair that smells too sweet and skin that is too soft writhes beneath him and he wants to cry.  
  
The bathroom light is harsh and his reflection is accusing. "You are one sick, fucker, Ackles." But it's not his voice saying it. He turns it over in his brain and it sounds familiar. Sleep, he just needs sleep.  
  
Jensen's dreams are filled with laughter and a voice that's oddly familiar saying, " _Open your eyes, this is what you look like when you come," and its alluring and his face is contorted and beautiful and he cries out. He staring at himself. Silent screams and hands that are too much like his covers his own.  
  
He's pounding into that body harder than any girl he's ever had and his stomach is wet and sticky and his own orgasm hits him and he hears "this is what you look like, Jensen"._  
  
His eyes fly open and his wife is tucked into his side. Her breaths come softly and he creeps out onto their balcony.  
  
"You better be dying," is what he hears when Dean picks up on the second ring.  
  
"I can't sleep," he confesses and then adds, "weird dreams".  
  
"Like kinky? Or clowns and shit?" Dean sounds amused.  
  
"Do you ever dream about yourself?" It's honest and maybe he's not so weird at all.  
  
"Since I'm the dream-er in this scenario, wouldn't I be dreaming about you?" The answer comes and Jensen throat closes. "I guess it depends on what I'm or maybe you are doing in said dream". He doesn't know what's more disturbing, dreaming about having sex with himself or with his brother.  
  
"Are you having wet dreams about me?" It's said in jest and he can't deny it. "OMG, you are".  
  
"It's not you. This dream is about me and not everything revolves around you." His brother sighs.  
  
"Since I'm not having the dream, I don't know if you are dreaming about yourself or me. And since I'm not a shrink, I can't diagnose your level of psychosis. But I'd say it's all the baby pressure and probably Karma for what you said this afternoon. I told you that, Jen. You. Not Monica or Liz or Jared. But you. I feel violated. You told.”  
  
  
"Jensen, what are you..." he hears Liz's voice and turns the speaker on.  
  
"Hey, Lizzie." Dean is being sweet and over the top and just Dean. "Since Jenny can't sleep, I can't sleep. Can you drag his ass back to bed and wear him out or something?"  
  
She smiles and says "I'll see what I can do.”  
  
"You're welcome to come over here and wear me out next."  
  
"Haha, 'night Dean.” Liz closes the balcony door and Jensen sighs into the receiver.  
  
"Look man, I'm sorry. I haven't been me all day and I know that isn't an excuse, but..."  
  
"Don't, Jen. Stop beating yourself up. I'm okay. I'm a big boy and it's fine. Go get some sleep and we will talk soon."  
  
"Yeah, K. Thanks man, goodnight" and he hears the dial tone.  
  
  
  
  
_6 months earlier_  
  
Dean is running late. He has his own practice, but he hates being late. There's a guy struggling with boxes on the sidewalk and Dean breezes by.  
  
"Hey buddy," he hears.  
  
'Fuck'. Puts on that saccharine grin and turns around. Boxes guy is attractive. He's tall and built and just yes. "Can I help you?"  
  
"I know you're busy and I hate to ask, but can you hold this gate for like five seconds? And I'll let you be on your way." Dimples and kaleidoscope eyes and who is he to say no to a pretty face.  
  
"Sure, man. I was inside my head, didn't see you here". It's a lie and whether the guy knows or not, it doesn't matter. People put up with a lot of bullshit from Dean.  
  
Dean does not make it to his office that morning, or the following morning. Or even the one after that. He spends three days in his downtown flat screwing Jared's brains out.

He has a cigarette between his lips and is completely naked out on the balcony. Monica doesn't ask and he doesn't offer and Jared is also wearing a wedding band.  
  
It's a no strings, no commitment, casual thing. And Dean hasn't been this fucked out since college. Jared's sipping coffee and reading the Wall Street Journal when Dean's phone rings. "867-5309" blares out and a picture of a a 18 yo Jensen in a cheerleading uniform pops up on the oversized screen.  
  
Jared's eyebrows raise and he says, "Dude, is that you?"  
  
"Hell no!" It's out before Dean can stop it and he chuckles. Those frosted tips were horrid.  
  
"No man, that's you," Jared is trying to wrestle the phone away from him and Dean lunges. He holds up a finger and turns on the speaker phone.  
  
"About time, asshole" Jensen lets out without preamble.  
  
"Oh Jenny, you say the sweetest things!" Its light and it's them.  
  
"Don't call me that. And I'm calling to make sure you were alive." Dean hasn't mentioned all the days he missed of work to anyone. "I ran into one of your colleagues on 5th at that tacky sports bar. He kept asking if I was ok and when I'd be in. It's been a long ass time since someone thought I was you," and Dean clicks the speaker phone off.  
  
"Not sure who you saw, but I've been tied up in charts all week. So I'm fine, just working." Dean stares at the bricks behind Jared's head as he listens to his brother ramble. And ramble. It's comforting, but he doesn't want to talk to him. "Listen, Jensen. I'm super busy right this second. Let's grab a beer, tonight. Yours is great. 7? Yeah, yeah. Take care bro." He hangs up and the silence in the air is thick and Dean doesn't know why he's being weird. Not that him having a brother is gonna matter to a fling.  
  
"So, Jensen is your literal brother?" Jared asks easy and Dean nods. "Thus the 'Jenny' theme song and and the resemblance?"  
  
"That's cool man. I have a brother. Older or younger?"  
  
"He's younger," it's the truth and Dean doesn't know why he cares.  
  
"My brother, Jeff, is 3 years older. He looked out for me as kid. He also gave me a lot of shit. We aren't as close as I'd like to be. It's cool that you guys seem close.”  
  
"Closer than most I guess. He's my best friend," It's actually freeing to tell whole truths. He doesn't want to make a habit of it.  
  
"How much younger?" Innocent conversation flows and it's not like it's telling this guy his life story.  
  
"Uh..." Dean wants to lie, but doesn't "Four whole minutes," he stubs out his cigarette and looks down at the ashes.  
  
"Identical or..." and Dean freezes. "Wow. So there's another guy that looks like you? That's, wow.”  
  
Dean forgets about the conversation and goes about his life. For two whole days. He finishes up with his patients one afternoon and spends the evening buried inside Jared's body. After the both finish, they are wrapped around each other and Jared says, "You know. I've always had a twin kink. Started out as two pigtailed girls and all blonde and pretty, turns out brothers work just as well.”  
  
"I hate to tear down this little playhouse, but wrong set of brothers.”  
  
"But aren't you even curious as to what it would be like to fuck yourself?" It's a whisper and it weasels its way into Dean's mind and he can't let it go.

 

******

  
  
A couple of months into whatever this is and Dean can't get the image out of his head. He's seen himself in his brother through practically everything, except this. He knows how he looks when he's happy, or sad or even asleep, but not coming apart at the seams, and certainly not making himself come apart at the seams. It's an intoxicating thought.  
  
He's standing in front of the bathroom mirror on a Sunday morning shaving. He's at the flat and Jared crowds into him at the sink. "We should invest in some big ass mirrors.” Jared is speaking to his reflection and Dean is watching him kiss his neck. "Do I ever get to see another picture of him?" Thoughts of seeing Jared bang Jensen's brains out is very appealing and sick; and not gonna happen.  
  
He walks into the bedroom and says "recent or during his twinky days?" Jared looks at him like he's stupid. "You have a twin kink. Is it just that or are you a pedophile, too?" He doesn't know why he says that. He's never seen any indication that Jared was that depraved, but he wants two brothers to service him. "Just trying to figure out what other kind of twisted shit you're into. If I show you this pic, am I gonna have to let a bunch of midgets gang bang me?"  
  
Jared looks like someone kicked his puppy. "Dude, no. It's a fantasy. I'd never ask you to do anything. He's your brother. He's part of you. There is nothing sexual about this."  
  
Dean scrolls through his phone and finds a picture of he and Jensen at their sister's wedding. It's two months old and just a candid shot. Jen has a stupid, face splitting smile and Dean looks a little broody. Dressed alike and with similar hair styles, it's shocking to see how identical they are. Jensen is a happy guy. Dean is anything but. Jensen is a straight as an arrow, honest to God good guy. Yin and Yang.  
  
He turns the phone around and Jared stares at it. Taking in both brothers. Both personalities. "You do look a lot alike. I mean a lot. But I can tell that that's you on the left.”  
  
He doesn't like the implications of that. "Well I am the attractive brother." It's meant as a joke, but it falls short.  
  
"Let me see some more. I'm dying to see your twink pics"  
  
"Keep dreaming. I was never a twink. Or blonde." He rolls his eyes but scrolls anyway. "Man, I don't have old pics on my phone. I'm not sentimental." He opens Jensen's Facebook page and lands on a picture of the two of them on a Spring Break of their senior year. Jensen lighter hair hangs in his face and Dean's dark hair is shorter and arranged in messy spikes. They have their arms around each other and look so carefree.  
  
"Not blonde, but definitely a twink". It's not an insult, but a genuine observation. And Dean doesn't like how all of those casual touches have turned in his mind. Wrestling and play fighting and just platonic intimacy has grown into this deep dark pit that he falls down into.

 

*******

  
  
One too many drinks one night and Dean says, "I'd drug him if you asked me to.”  
  
"Who?" Jared snorts.  
  
"Don't make me say it". Dean's face is red hot and he's turned on by how wrong it is.  
  
"That's highly illegal, Dean. Not to mention unethical.” Jared states.  
  
"So is incest, but here we are.”  
  
Sobriety slams into Jared and he searches Dean's face. "No man. If he was into it and you were okay with it, I'd do it. But you said that he'd never and I'd never force him. He's your blood man. You are important to me, he's important to you. So he's under a blanket important agreement.”  
  
"I can't stop thinking about it. What he'd be like, what he'd sound like. What the two of you would look like." Dean has never been more ashamed of anything in his life. Never.  
  
"Dean. God, I never meant to give you those thoughts..."  
  
"I know you didn't, but they are there now. And I can't think about anything else." It's a confession and if hell is real, they have a special place for guys who want to rape their baby brothers.  
  
Dean feels a little better after that night, but they come to an odd kind of compromise. They plan the 'theoretical' threesome with Jensen.  
  
"What if we could make him not remember? I don't want to sedate him or anything, but isn't there like hypnosis or some shit to make him do it and forget." Jared is just spewing crap out of his ass and it's therapeutic.  
  
"What do we tell the hypnotist? We want my brother to sleep with us and not remember? Yeah, good luck in that padded cell."  
  
"Aren't there drugs that cause amnesia?" Jared asks.  
  
"Dude, I'm a doctor. Do you realize how wrong that would be?"  
  
"I don't want to damage him, permanently."  
  
"Pretty sure if he got wind of this conversation, it would permanently damage him. Or if we did it and he remembered later."  
  
"But if we don't leave any marks, he'd have no evidence. Nothing solid" and Jared doesn't like the way that he knows that nothing would hold up in a courtroom without proof.  
  
"How are you gonna explain his sore ass?" They've reached the point in tonight's game where they are being fantastical or just plain silly and it's time to end it.  
  
"Simple, we don't touch his ass. I thought you were the lawyer?" Jared looks a little sheepish. He's never premeditated a capital offense before. Hypothetically or otherwise.  
  
"I thought fucking your brother was the whole end game?"  
  
"No. it's not about that. I could take one for the team. It'd be enough. It would have to be enough." They are silent after that.

 

*******

  
  
  
Several weeks later after round three, Jared blurts out, "Addy wants to have a baby." It's a statement and it yanks the rug out from under Dean. They don't speak about sex with their wives. Or fights or plans or what they had for dinner. They just don't.  
  
"Are you gonna?" Swallow.  
  
"I want to, I mean I love her. I like kids. It would make her happy."  
  
"Then do it, man". Dean shrugs in the darkness of the bedroom.  
  
"But I, I care about you. And if I give her that, it would mean that this would be over. We would be over. I can’t start a family and not give them all of me. I just can’t.” Jared hiccups a sob and Dean just doesn't want to feel.  
  
"You wouldn't still want to be around me if we weren't fucking?" It hurts to say it. To think it.  
  
"Of course. It would be hard for awhile. But, I'd rather have you like that then not at all." It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to Dean Ackles.  
  
Dean knows he doesn't have many friends. You don't get where he's at by being friendly. He has Jensen and up until recently, he's been enough. No one else ever wanted to love him unconditionally. Not even his own wife. If he went bankrupt tomorrow, she be gone before sunset. And he knows that. She doesn't asks for a family or kids or fidelity. She doesn't ask him where he's been or going. She is a great lay and looks great on his arm. But it's not love. It's never been love.

 

*******  
  
  
_Then_  

  
Dean's phone vibrates in his pocket and he checks the screen. It's his brother.  
  
"Hey man, what's up?" He shoulders his cell phone and lights a cigarette on the patio.  
  
"Are you home?" Jensen voice sounds a little off and Dean puffs out the smoke through his nose.  
  
"Yeah, something wrong?" One heartbeat, then two.  
  
"Can I swing by? I need to talk to you?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. There's no food here. I can order something if you're hungry."  
  
"Is there alcohol?" It's a serious question.  
  
"Of course there's alcohol. Did you forget who you called?" A forced chuckle and then "just swing on by."  
  
  
Thirty minutes and two fingers of scotch later and Dean's patience is growing thin. He can't be around a sad mopey Jensen. That's his shtick.  
  
"Do you want to tell me why you are having a drink with your grumpy brother instead of screwing that hot ass wife of your's brains out?"  
  
"Dean? Do you have to be so lewd?" Its rhetorical.  
  
"Yes. If I say pansy shit like make love, they will revoke my man card. It's how you lost yours." His drink burns and he's nowhere near feeling like his brother is after two drinks. Perks of being a cold hearted alcoholic.  
  
"Elizabeth wants to have a baby. Her sister is having one soon and she won't stop talking about it and fuck..." his eyes are glassy and only part of it's the booze.  
  
"I'm not a relationship expert, clearly, but shouldn't you be talking to her about it?" Dean lights another cigarette. Because it's his house and he can.  
  
"I want to have kids. I want to make her happy. But I want to know how you feel about it. "  
  
Dean stares stupidly at his sibling. "Unless you are asking me to help create said baby. Which I don't think you are. Are you?"  
  
"Of course not! Where the fuck do you come up with these ideas?"  
  
"I was just checking? You might be shooting blanks. Remember that time Tommy Fitzgerald kicked you in the jewels? Anyway, unless that's the case, you are a grown ass man. And do you know who grown ass men need permission from to do things? Nobody. Great, right?" He flicks more ashes and waits.  
  
"My equipment is working fine, thanks." Jensen quips.  
  
Dean counters, "Oh thank, God. I was afraid for a second I was gonna have to take one for the team and knock up your wife."  
  
"Dean, listen. This is important and I wanted to talk it over with you. Remember that case that I had with social service a few years ago? With the twins that kinda messed me up?"  
  
"Vaguely. What's that got to do with us?" He gestures back and forth between himself and his twin.  
  
"One of the twins died and his identical brother swore that the kid wasn't his. Even though the mother said she was sleeping with both brothers."  
  
"At the same time or...?" he interrupts.  
  
And his brother makes that long suffering, my brother is an absolute moron, face,"I don't know. It doesn't matter."  
  
"Of course it matters. Some people have twin kinks. Some people like their hair pulled. Kink shaming is horrible..." Dean's eyes get that far away look in his eyes that will make Jensen come to his point, or jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.  
  
"Why am I even here? No way we have the same DNA," Jensen punches the frustration out through his lungs. "My point is, we do have the same DNA. The exact same DNA. I'm passing something that belongs to both of us on. It's not just mine and it feels wrong to do it without asking you. At least how you feel about it."  
  
Dean let's that roll around in his brain. When put like that, it is kinda creepy. He never considered..."Okay, let me ask you something. If it was me wanting kids, would you want me to get your permission?" Jensen shakes his head. " If this baby was a accident."  
  
"No babies are accidental. People have sex, sometimes they get babies." His brother quickly corrects.  
  
"If this baby was unplanned, would you want to keep it?" A nod. "Without asking my permission?"  
  
His brother's eyes get big and round and he has one of those moments where he appreciates his brother's ability to brass tack situations and analyze them in different ways.  
  
"That's all the answer you need. Does this kid having my DNA creep me out? Fuck yes. But not for the reason you think. I don't like sharing my stuff. Not even this. Not even with you. But that's life. Am I going to be upset or hate you or the kid? No. Am I going to laugh my ass off if that DNA causes the kid to act like me? Yes. You knew it could happen. You were warned. But I stopped caring about things I can't change a long time ago. Or at least drank them into submission. So..." he puts his cigarette out and and rubs his hands together. "Go home, make a baby, don't make a baby, practice making a baby. But please go," He drags the younger man up to his feet and guides him towards the door. "You will be receiving a bill for my services and all that jazz.”  
  
Jensen stops at the door and gives his brother a hug. Full body, crushing hug. "Thanks, man.” He says it in Dean's ear and it does things to his brother that he doesn't even like to think about.  
  
That night, Dean stares up at the ceiling and thinks about losing both Jared and Jensen. He's not really losing them, they weren't his to begin with, but it hurts. And they aren't really even going anywhere. He never even knew that he could feel like this. At least not about Jen. 

 

*******

  
When morning creeps up into Dean's bedroom, he gets up and beats the hell out of his punching bag in the gym. Showers, dresses and goes to the clinic. He has meetings and conference calls and lunch with a bunch of uptight drug reps. He waits until 5 PM to call Jared. "I need to see you tonight.” He's wrecked and hoarse and he's not asking.  
  
After making Jared come apart on his tongue first, his fingers next and then on his dick twice, Dean is still on edge. It's how he deals. He fucks or drinks or beats his emotions away. Two down and he's still pent up, so he grabs his pack of cigarettes a bottle scotch and sits outside. Halfway through his second cigarette, the door behind him slides open and Jared sits quietly at his left. He pours himself a glass and lights a cigarette. Eyebrows raise. "So now you’re smoking?"  
  
"Do you want to tell me what that was about in there?" Jared's drag is way too practiced for a non smoker.  
  
"That? That was about me being a really good lay." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.  
  
"Not what I was referring to". His drink burns and Jared waits. He's learned that if he waits Dean out long enough, he will usually spill.  
  
"I've got a guy bringing me a drug tomorrow from Mexico. It causes amnesia in surgery patients with out inducing sedation. It's going up in FDA trials in the Spring and will reduce recovery time in outpatient surgery patients".  
  
Jared just gapes.  
  
"I want you to give your girl that baby and be happy. Buy a mini van and have cookouts and get fat and never look back."  
  
"But what if that's not what I want?" The question comes rushing out of his mouth.  
  
"It is. Trust me." Another drag "If you didn't want it, you wouldn't have brought it up. We would have continued this without a second thought."  
  
Jared is stunned. Dean is so perceptive at times it hurts. He's brilliant and broken and it's why Jared loves him.  
  
"So this was goodbye?" Jared has about a dozen different emotions bubbling up in his throat, but gratitude for Dean's perception is winning.  
  
"Yes and no. I want you to help me with something first. I'm a selfish bastard and I can't stand being told no. I threw temper tantrums as a child and spent more time in detention and time out then should have been possible. It just made it worse. It only stopped when I reached a point that there wasn't anything I could want, that I couldn't have. Now there is something. And it's eating me up inside. I have to know. Just once.”  
  
"If you'd ask, he might just give it to you?" The words are spoken and they are hollow.  
  
"He might. But that's part of the problem. I don't ask for things. I'm not pleasant or polite or a person that follows social graces. The kid came and asked my blessing to give a brat my DNA. He's that selfless. If I sew that seed of doubt in his mind, it will ruin him. Forever. I'm selfish, I have to know. But I don't have to drag him down with me." Dean chain smokes another cigarette.  
  
"What does this have to do with me?"  
  
"You have a twin kink right? It will satisfy that. Correct? Because don't get me wrong, but what happens when that doesn't go away with fatherhood?"  
  
"So you’re  doing this to help me succeed at being a faithful, family man?"  
  
"Partially. But that selfish bastard in me needs to see you with him. It's part of the whole puzzle and he'd never agree to that. Me, maybe. Hell, probably. But never anyone else. So, you get yours, I get mine and Jensen never has to remember." Dean taps his fingers on the table like a gavel passing judgement its final.  
  
"This can't be about just having to know what it's like to bang your brother. You are giving us a white picket fence and happily ever after."  
  
"It's not about that. This is about me being able to remember on my death bed that I could take it. That I wanted it and I took it. It all comes back to that word no." Dean's eyes are cold and calculating in the minimal light.  
  
"I haven't said yes, yet." Jared's words are meaningless and he knows he will do it. "If I do this..." raised eyebrow, "what happens the next time you want something, someone that you can't have?"  
  
"I haven't truly wanted something for 20 years. That will put me to fifty years old, I guess I'll burn that bridge then.”

 

*******

_Present_

  
Jensen wakes to his alarm on Monday morning and stumbles to the shower. He feels unrested and wobbly and just horrible. He must be catching something. He starts the shower and stands under the spray and it feels wonderful. And wrong at the same time. He has a memory of a different shower that is huge and well lit and occupied. " _Jensen, come on kid, raise your arms_." It's Dean's adult voice and they haven't shared showers since Undergrad and Cheerleading. It's mildly disturbing, but innocent enough he guesses. He dries off, doesn't even bother with his contacts and dresses.  
  
Downstairs, sunlight is streaming in the kitchen window and he's zoned out while drinking OJ from the carton. Liz is coming in the back door in her workout clothes and soaked in sweat. She leans in, kisses his temple and wet skin touches his.

 _Salt and sweat and someone's short damp hair is on his shoulder. His arms are wrapped around someone's broad back and the slap of skin on skin is more obscene than any porno he's ever seen. "Open your eyes, Jensen. This is what you look like"_. He drops the OJ Carton and the remains go all over the kitchen floor.  
  
Liz is already trying to soak it up with a towel and he's just looking at her. "Jensen, are you okay?" One blink. Two blinks.  
  
"Oh hell. I'm sorry. I don't know what wrong with me," he's a little unsteady as he kneels to clean up his mess. When they are done, she puts a hand to his forehead. Then on his cheek.  
  
"No fever," and hand on each cheek and she pecks his mouth. _He's kissing his own mouth and it's filthy. Teeth and tongue and spit and his eyes open again to his own face_. He pushes the hands away and stumbles back.  
  
  
Liz stares back at him confused and concerned and says, "maybe you should stay home today."  
  
"I can't. I just want to sleep, but I can't stay home. Not today."  
  
He picks up his briefcase and she says, "Maybe I should drive you".  
  
"Don't be silly. You have another couple of days off. Enjoy them." He gets his keys out of his jacket pocket and feels hands on his body. " _Jensen, where are your keys? Keys, man?" more hands, the jingle of metal and he says_. "Maybe I'll call a cab.”  
  
Once inside the Taxi, the smell of Vinyl and the feel of the tuck and roll upholstery feels odd. _"Hey man, is he okay?”_  
  
" _Yeah," its Dean, "just a little too much to drink.”_  
  
" _He's not going to be sick is he?" He hears from far away.  
  
"No. He just needs to sleep it off." Dean again._  
  
"Sir, we're at your stop". He hears and he forks over the fare. Honking horns and noise fills the sidewalk as he walks into the high rise that houses his office building.  
  
"Mr Ackles, here is your schedule, calls, messages and..." his assistant Beverly looks at him and says, "are you okay?"  
  
"I think I'm coming down with something." She nods and politely takes a step back. He chuckles at her and opens the door to his office.  
  
He's shrugging off his jacket when there's a knock on his door. "Man, you look like hell," Anderson from finance says as he sits in front of his desk. "Did you see that game, Saturday? We looked for you at the bar."  
  
"Watched it at Dean's. He's got that giant ass TV and free booze." Jensen smiles but can't even remember what even happened during the game. There were beers and food and Dean yelling at the screen.  
  
"And a giant stick up his ass," Anderson replies and he remembers Dean and his coworkers don't mix.  
  
"He's not that bad," Jensen says softly.  
  
_A whisper, "It isn't that bad. Especially if whoever's driving knows what they are doing." And there's tightness on his cock and tight heat and Jensen feels himself bottom out._  
  
Anderson is still talking about bad calls and the playoffs and Jensen realizes he's hard in his pants.  
  
"Ackles... Jensen, you really don't look good, brother". Anderson says and all he can hear is _"feel good, little brother?"_  
  
He googles Dream Interpretation during lunch and just comes back empty. There are too many scenarios to fit the bill. Sex with a sibling, sex with a friend, sex with a member of the same sex and he's not even sure who the dream was about.  
  
By the time the work day is over, he is exhausted and jittery and just wants to sleep. It's dark during his taxi ride home and when he gets out at his house he has an odd feeling of being helped up the steps. Liz is in the kitchen and asks if he wants a beer. He shakes his head and the next thing he knows is she's waking him up on the couch. "Did you eat anything at all today?"  
  
_He’s staring at the body under him. Its like looking into a mirror. Eyes are lust blown and soaked hair and he says, "Do you eat anything at all anymore?"_  
  
"Up you go, bed," his wife announces and pulls him towards the bedroom.  
  
He's restless and talks all night in his sleep. After she wakes him for the third time, Liz asks "You don't want to do what?"  
  
And he responds, "know what I look like."  
  
"When?"  
  
Lips are licked and he responds, "When I come".  
  
  
She turns his alarm off and calls Beverly, and leaves him to sleep. Unsure of what to do to help, she calls Dean.  
  
"Why Mrs. Ackles, how may I be of assistance?" Dean says when he picks up the phone.  
  
"There's something wrong with Jensen," she blurts out into the receiver.  
  
"And you are just finding that out, now?" He laughs.  
  
"I'm serious. What happened the other night?" She holds her breath.  
  
"Nothing. We watched the game, drank and ate too much and I helped him home,"  
  
"He's exhausted and like a caged animal. He talked all night in his sleep. He said..." she stops. Unsure if it matters what he says.  
  
"Said what?" He prompts.  
  
"He said, 'He doesn't want to know what he looks like?'"  
  
"Ever?" Another laugh.  
  
"No." another pause. She's sure she's gonna regret this. "He said, 'he doesn't want to know what he looks like when he comes".  
  
"Wow. That's kinda specific. I'm not sure if I'm the person you should be discussing this with. Is that something he says a lot? Or..."  
  
"Dean, he doesn't say things like that." She's close to tears.  
  
"It doesn't really sound like, Jenny. But he's been kinda worried about trying to have a baby. I'm sure it's just..."  
  
"Worried how?" She asks.  
  
"Not worried, worried. He wants to be a good father and not damage the kid."  
  
"He never said anything to me and..." she starts.  
  
"Well, you didn't have our father." It's whispered and she knows that he won't get any farther.  
  
"I'm gonna go check on him, thank you," she says into the phone.  
  
"Elizabeth, listen. I'm not good at this kinda thing, but I'm here. If you guys need me." That 3 pack a day habit making his voice just different enough from her husband's.  
  
  
Jensen is still sleeping at 1 PM and Liz dumps the contents of her purse on the table. She finds the business card from Jared's law firm with Adrienne's number on the back. She dials the number and a polite "Hello?" Is heard.  
  
"Adrienne, hi. It's Elizabeth Ackles, Jensen's wife? I was wondering how you are getting settled."  
  
"Oh, hi. So nice to hear from you. All moved in, but it's a new city and so different from the East Coast. I have like one friend and it's kinda pathetic." Nervous laugh.  
  
"Well now you have two more," she assures her and invites Adrienne to lunch the next day.

 

******  
  
  
When Jensen wakes up, twilight has fallen and he has to pee so bad that he almost doesn't make it. He feels icky and hungry, but slightly better. The house is quiet and he finds his wife sitting at the table drinking tea. He wraps his arms around her from behind and kisses the top of her head. "I'm sorry." He mumbles in her hair.  
  
She twists around in his arms and says, "Sorry for what, Jen?"  
  
"Sorry for the ways I'm going to screw ours kids up.”  
  
She has to smile. That's so Jensen. "Well, in that case, I'm sorry for all the ways I'm going to mess them up, too. Are you feeling better?"  
  
A nod. "Yeah. I'm kinda gross right now, but better."  
  
"Good. Why don't you take a shower and I'll fix dinner. You have to be hungry."  
  
"That sounds good."  
  
When Jensen makes it back downstairs, they sit at the table and eat. It's just soup and grilled cheeses, but she was unsure if he'd need anything big.  
  
Conversation is easy and smiles are, too. It always is. "I talked to Adrienne Padalecki and invited her to lunch tomorrow". Jensen frowns. "What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing. I think they think I'm a basket case. Jared seems like a good guy. " he offers. Creepy stare aside.  
  
"He's friends with your brother. You are not the basket case of family, Jen.” Giggle  
  
"This is true." He laughs back.  
  
"How does Dean know the Padaleckis. Seems more like people that you'd meet. Ya know?"  
  
"They live next door. Fucking blew my mind. Dean has friends. Who knew?" It's light hearted and normal.  
  
"That's some serious real estate next to Dean," she comments.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. He and Malibu Barbie needed a Dream House."  
  
"Please don't. I don't pretend to understand your brother, but Monica tries. If you hit on every thing with a pulse, I'd kill you."  
  
"He doesn't mean it. It's just how he is. All the attention he gets. It's made him like that. You can only hear that you have a mouth that looks like it was made for..." he stops and turns red.  
  
"Sweetheart, do we need a new bathroom mirror?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"People stare at you no matter where you go. If they stare at Dean, they stare at you. It's kinda what identical means. If people have things to say about Dean's mouth that you haven't heard, maybe you need to ask what Dean's been doing with his that earned him that reputation." She doesn't like saying bad things about her brother-in-law.  
  
"Not those things. They used to say he had a cocksuckers' mouth." He whispers it like Dean could somehow hear. When his wife crosses her arms in front of her chest. He stares at his feet. "I don't think my brother is gay."  
  
"I don't think your brother has a preference." It's not an insult. Just an observation.  
  
He frowns at her. "Really? No." It's such a ridiculous assumption that he laughs. But now that she's planted that seed he can't unsee it. But Dean's his brother. He'd never... would he? No.

 

*******  
  
  
_Then_

"Hey, Dean? What's up?"Jensen answers the phone. It's 7:30 on a Friday and he's day 12 into Liz's 2 week stay at her sister's.  
  
"So how's freedom treating you? Dean asks.  
  
"You do realize I'm still married right? She's just out of town."  
  
"PotAYto, potAHto." Dean replies. "So look. My neighbor and I are going to watch the Mavs game tomorrow and thought you'd like to watch, too. Beer, junk food, like old times."  
  
"Your neighbor?" Jensen sounds unsure.  
  
"Yeah, you know, live next to you. Have you over for barbecues and shit". Dean answers.  
  
"I wasn't aware that you knew how that concept worked." Jensen laughs.  
  
"The living next door thing or..." Dean asks.  
  
"No. The being sociable thing.”  
  
"I know how to be social. I went to college you know." Dean states. As if Jensen could ever forget those 4 years, before both had gone to grad school. So swing by about 6 and I'll have food and alcohol here."

 

******  
  
  
  
Dean's doorbell rings and and he answers it. He knows it's Jensen because Jared is already seated on the couch nursing a beer. His brother's easy smile and backwards baseball cap is everything that that Dean is not. A Maverick's Jersey and holey jeans. Dean is dressed in a button down with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of black pants. He looks casual, but Jensen knows this outfit was probably ridiculously expensive.

A quick one armed hug and Jensen makes his way to the den of the condo. There's a young guy seated there in Jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe T shirt.  
  
"Jared Padalecki, Jensen. Doppelgänger, meet neighbor.” Jared stands and Jensen has to crane his head up.  
  
"And here I thought he was making you up. " Jared says in an easy tone and shakes his hand.  
  
"Same here," Jensen's smile is bright and he's handed a beer.  
  
"You know I have neighbors.” Dean rolls his eyes.  
  
"That you speak to?" And the banter flows readily and light.

 

*******  
  
  
  
About halfway through his second beer, Jensen doesn't feel so great. He's not drunk or even buzzed yet, but he doesn't feel normal either.  
  
Dean boos everybody from the refs to the cheerleaders and Jensen is having trouble focusing on the tv. "I could out cheer that whole squad." Dean throws his napkins at the TV and Jared just stares.  
  
"Dude," Jared says, "you just compared yourself to a bunch of chicks in short skirts."  
  
Dean glares daggers at him and Jensen laughs so hard that he falls over the armrest of the chair. "What's so funny little brother?" Jensen's laugh is dying down and he still wear a huge cheesy grin.  
  
"I bet you can't even tumble anymore." Jensen's voice is matter of fact and Dean smacks him on the back of the head.  
  
"No. I don't believe it. A cheerleader?" Jared's voice is incredulous and his eyes wide.  
  
"Hey, cheerleaders are some of the most athletic people around. Especially NCAA." Jensen says softly. Peeling the label off of his beer.  
  
"Prove it." Jared challenges and Jensen takes out his phone. He flips the screen around and Jared sees a picture of Jensen holding Dean above his head. They are wearing UCLA uniforms and it's one of the most stunning things that he's ever seen.  
  
"I didn't know that male cheerleaders did whatever that's called."  
  
"Males are bases. They are too heavy for aerials when you can just toss a 90lb girl. But we always tried to do whatever any of the girls did. It was a point of pride." Jensen is having a little trouble focusing on Jared's face as he talks to him. It's like his focus or zoom settings are off.  
  
"Can you still do it?"  
  
"Oh hell, yeah." Comes his response. Jared’s face lights up, all dimples and twinkling eyes. He likes this guy.  
  
"Do it. I want to see."  
  
More giggles. "I am so not lifting his big ass."  
  
"This ass is a treasure," Dean's mock offended reply earns another giggle from his brother. "Okay, bulimia boy. I'll lift you.” Jensen doesn't even know why he agreed.  
  
"In the foyer, I'm not cracking my head on the ceiling".  
  
Dean pulls his twin up by his hand and drags him to the foyer. Jensen loses his shoes on the way. He's a little unsteady, but Dean won't drop him. He trusts him.  
Before easy hands and practiced moves slot into place, Jensen looks him in the eyes. "If you drop me and I crack my head open...”  
  
Dean leers. It's charming and dangerous and like a bear trap. "I'll steal your identity and ravish your wife.” It's the only reassurance he's going to get.  
  
"One, two, three..." and Dean is pushing his brother up over his head. Jensen does a perfect liberty for about four seconds.  
  
"Get me down, Dean!" His panicked voice sounds young, small and afraid.  
  
"Jen, just dismount. I'll catch you,". Dean's confident and commanding and Jensen shakes his head.  
  
"You don't have a spotter."  
  
"Jen, Jared's here to spot. He's a cheerleader. Don't you remember?" Jared has no idea what he's doing, he just moves a little closer towards the pair. This seems to calm Jensen and he just drops. Dean catches him effortlessly and sits him on his feet. Which buckle under him and he pulls Dean on top of him. "Jensen, get up out of the floor, come on." His giggling sibling tangles their legs together and fists his hands in Dean's shirt. "Do you think this is funny?" Dean grabs his sensitive flanks and Jensen's body buckles wildly.  
  
"Uncle!!! Stop!! Please, Dean.” Jensen has tears in his eyes and can't bat his offenders hands away fast enough.  
  
"Is he okay?" Jared whispers.  
  
"Yeah, he's just incredibly ticklish." Dean palms his brother's thigh right below an ass cheek and Jensen looks like a fish out of water. Violently bucking away and giggles have turned into sobs.  
  
"Please stop, " Big green eyes and crocodile tears and when Dean climbs to his feet, he's incredibly hard.  
  
"Help me get him upstairs.” Is the only thing Dean says.  
  
Jensen walks up the stairs of his own violation. His nose sniffling like a toddler and it looks a little pathetic. When Dean sits him own the bed and removes his hat and shirts, his brother only looks mildly confused. "Jen, do you know where you are?" Jensen shakes his head. "Do you know who I am?" A nod. "Who am I?"  
  
"You're me.” The answer couldn't be more perfect. Dean smiles at Jared who has plopped down in the chair beside the bed. He's watching this round. If Jensen cries or freaks out, Jared knows he won't be able to go through with it.  
  
The bedside light only casts a small amount of light in the room and it's yellow and warm and make his brother's lips pink and his skin golden. Clothes are removed and Jensen can follow simple instructions. "Move back up on the bed. Sit up for me." A large hand is placed on each of Jensen's cheeks and Dean feels cheekbones and stubble and places a kiss right on his brother's mouth. Lips involuntarily part and his tongue probes into that mouth like he's lapping water in the desert. Jensen moans and Dean's mouth gets more urgent. "Open your eyes". Golden lashes flutter open and and Jensen looks a little cross eyed staring into Dean's eyes. Mouth still moving against his as Dean crawls into his brother's lap. He has a hand on the back of his head and one wrapped around a slowly hardening cock. When he starts stroking, a muffled sob escapes his brother's throat and Dean could hammer nails with his dick. Feather light kisses over his throat and nipples and finally that beautiful throbbing erection. When he takes him in his mouth, Jensen's eyes get glassy and go unfocused on the ceiling. They are heavy, but open. His brother is beautiful and pliant and still responsive. Lube and condoms are all laid out on the nightstand. Dean's already fingered his own ass open and has been half hard since before his brother even showed up. Condom, lube it's all kind of clinical. Right up until Dean sinks down on that slippery shaft. His brother is watching where their bodies are joining in rapt fascination as Dean sinks down again and again.  
  
"Doesn't that hurt?" Jensen speaks and his voice is raw and cracks.  
  
Dean whispers, "It isn't that bad. Especially if whoever's driving knows what they are doing." And there's tightness on his cock and tight heat and Jensen feel himself bottom out.  
  
The drag of Jensen’s cock is hitting his prostate and Dean's hair is already soaking wet with sweat. His head is resting on Jensen's shoulder as his hips piston again and again.  
  
"Wrap you arms around me tight. There you go." The slap of skin on skin is loud and pornographic and and Dean thinks he could probably come from that alone. "Feel good, little brother?" Jensen blinks a couple of times, but doesn't respond. And when Dean's feet find purchase on on the mattress and he flips backward onto the bed, Jared gasped. It's the first sound he's made and Jensen is staring at the man in the chair. Dean is under him, soaked hair and says, "Do you eat anything at all anymore?"  
  
Either biology or something has taken over because Dean is bent in half with Jensen pumping into him over and over and over. Every request of "harder," or "faster" is met and exceeded and his hands are wrapped in the ones on the backs of Dean's thighs.  
  
Jensen eyes are closed and Dean screams under him and Jared kneels down next to the bed. "Jensen," he says in a soft whisper. Dean doesn't know what he's doing nor does he care. His brother is like a machine and if his heart doesn't stop, Dean's will. "Open your eyes. This is what you look like," Jared's voice repeats, "this is what you look like, when you come.” Jensen's eyes stare down in wonder as Dean's mouth is open in a silent scream and he comes untouched all over his stomach. Dean comes so hard that his rim contracts and squeezes Jensen dick in a vise like grip that wrings his climax out of him like a dish rag. His hips keep pumping until sobs start pushing out of his body at the over sensitivity of his cock. "Jensen, stop moving". Jared's voice again because Dean can't even form words right now. His knees finally give out and his entire weight crashes onto Dean.  
  
Jensen is awake, unmoving. He's lying on his side while Dean gets his heart rate under control. Jared stares at Dean, wide eyed and fascinated and Dean has to whisper "What?"  
  
"That was the hottest thing I've ever seen. I came in my damn pants." There's a wet spot on the front of Jared's boxers.  
  
"You should have been on this end of it". His eyes twinkle and Dean is still riding the endomorph high. "Who knew that he'd be the lay of a life time?"  
  
"You are one sick, fucker, Ackles. Come here and open me up."  
  
  
Dean shakes Jensen's shoulder and says lightly, "Jensen, bud. You with me?" Tired eyelids open and try to focus on Dean 's face. "Do you know where you are?" Jensen shakes his head no. "This is a dream. Can you drink this?" A tumbler is brought to his lips and Dean doesn't want his brother to OD, but he can't have him waking up either. This stuff is untested in the states and can be lethal. "Drink.” His brother guzzles the cool water down like he's on fire.  
  
By the time Jared is opened up and Dean sucks his brother hard again, Dean has his own raging erection. He likes to think he has self control, but sitting at the head of the bed this close to Jensen's mouth, while Jared sinks down on his dick? Not a bit. Jared is rocking his hips and his brother is making the prettiest noises that he's ever heard. And he wants to fuck that pretty mouth.  
  
"Jensen, open your mouth." Jensen's mouth opens as wide as it will go, and if it wasn't so damn cute, Dean would laugh. "Now suck on this. But don't bite. No teeth. Understand". Jensen nods and Dean sinks down in to that wet, warm mouth. Jensen immediately starts sucking it like it's the best lollipop he's ever hand. "Oh fuck!"  
  
Dean is watching his brother breach Jared, over and over again and he can't help but get carried away and start pistoning his hips. Poor Jen will have a very sore mouth tomorrow.  
  
While that perfect pressure of Jensen's cock drags over Jared's prostate, Jared's eyes are watching Dean fuck his brother's face at a brutal pace. Jared reaches his hand out to warn Dean, "You're going to hurt him. No marks, remember?"  
  
"Yeah". Dean slowly withdrawals and starts stripping his own and Jared's cocks at a lightning pace. Dean comes first, emptying what little cum he has left on his brother's shoulder. Jared follows right after with his toes curling and white wet liquid all over Jensen's stomach. It makes a puddle in his slightly dipped in navel and the shockwave of Jared's orgasm causes Jensen to arch off the bed. He kisses his brother's temple and says "Come. Come, Jensen"  
  
"Oh my God. Oh my God!" The words punching out of his fucked out brother startles them both. As soon as Jensen settles back on the bed, Dean runs his hands through his beautiful brother's sweat soaked hair and kisses that sinful mouth again.  
  
"Jensen, can you sit up?" Jensen tries. But by now he's tired, a little loopy and totally wobbly. Two strong hands guide him into the ensuite bathroom and into the massive shower stall. Dean scrubs himself efficiently, while Jared holds a steadying hand on his brother. Jared hands him off, while Jared does the same. Jared steadies him once more while Dean gentle cleans the spunk and sweat off of Jensen. "Jensen, can you raise your arms kid?"  
  
Once the trio are dried off and clothed once more, Dean calls a cab. While waiting, Dean takes Jensen's phone out of his coat pocket. "Jen, open this". His obedient sibling seems a little confused about how to "open" the black rectangle in his hand. Dean just grabs his thumb and sticks it to the thumb pad. "Shit," Dean reads the text messages and missed calls without actually opening the message app, because his naïve brother's phone sends read receipts.  
  
Jared's questioning eyes land on Dean's and Dean holds up one finger for quiet while he dials his own phone. "Hey, Liz. I'm sorry it's so late. No, he's fine. He came over and watched the game and we had a little too much to drink." Pause. "Well, he's passed out drooling on my suede sofa right now.... that'll ruin his back," another beat, "well, I'm hand-delivering his heavy ass home myself... well, I even had to drag his lazy ass out of the womb, I didn't sign up for this bullshit." Dean laughs good naturedly and Jared wonders how many times he's heard him laugh a genuine laugh. He figures it's not many, sadly.  
  
Once, the cab arrives and Dean climbs in the back with his all but horizontal twin, he breathes a sigh of relief. "Hey man, is he okay?" The driver glances in the review mirror and meets Dean's eyes.  
  
"Yeah, just a little too much to drink," Dean's voice is calm and collected.  
  
"He's not going to be sick is he?" The driver is obviously worried about his backseat.  
  
"No. Just needs to sleep it off."  
  
When they arrive at Jensen's address, Dean gives the driver a couple of extra bills and asks if he can "keep it running" He helps Jensen out of the back seat and steady arms help him up the front steps. "Jensen, where are your keys?" Jensen just looks and Dean, it's sad and confused and Dean starts patting his brother's pockets. Jensen is becoming a little more lucid, and starts patting Dean back. "Keys, man," the older brother says when he's tired of this little game.  
  
Inside and up the stairs is a little more difficult that it was at his own home, but Dean hadn't wanted Jared to accompany him. Once he forces Jen to drink two whole glasses of water, he places a third on the nightstand. Shoes, socks, jeans and shirts are stripped off and laid on a nearby chair. Dean settles him onto the mattress and takes one last long look at the exposed skin on display and rolls Jensen on his side. Covers and a less than chaste kiss is delivered to Jen's mouth and Dean walks back down the stairs. He locks the doors, enters the cab and finally sighs. It's only when he is safely back inside his condo that Dean realizes his brother is asleep with his contacts in and the resulting irritated eyes will be red for days. Nothing he can do about that now.  
  
Jared is seated at the patio table in the back of the Dean's condo when he returns. He has two glasses, and a bottle of something dark and is smoking a cigarette. The closer Dean gets to him, he can see that Jared is smoking a joint, not a regular cigarette. He pours his own drink and takes two swallows before gesturing to for the joint. A long hit that is held in his lungs for as long as possible is released before Jared speaks. "So, was it worth it?"  
  
Dean can't stop the huge smile that breaks across his face when he considers the last few hours. "Oh yeah, definitely worth it." Jared just nods.  
  
  
The sun is almost up when Dean stands up and starts to head inside. He looks at Jared and says, "Are you coming, or ...?"  
  
He doesn't turn back around until he's in the master bedroom, but isn't surprised to see the younger man on his heels. Jared takes one step towards Dean and Dean holds his hand up. Hazel eyes meet green ones and a silent agreement passes between them. This is the last time they will be together like this.  
  
Heated kisses that are more bites than anything and a desperate thrashing of limbs and clothing is the only sounds in the house. Dean should take this slow, but he's too turned on and too impatient to care. He shoves Jared into the bedroom wall and forces those long legs around his waist. With no preamble or further prep, he slides his cock in Jared's loose opening and begins a punishing pace.  
  
Jared can't get any leverage and is forced to just hold on and take what Dean gives him. It only takes a few minutes for both to find their release and then Dean helps Jared down from the wall. Dean immediately enters the bathroom and Jared doesn't follow him as he starts the shower.  
  
The water is hot and Dean braces tired, strained muscles against the marble tile. He stays in the shower so long that his skin is an angry red and his insides are heated. He isn't surprised when he leaves the bathroom wrapped in a towel and Jared is nowhere around.  
  
  
Dressed in only boxer shorts, Dean is seated on the foyer sofa when Monica opens the front door. He's sipping whiskey and she doesn't even question the early hour.  
  
She doesn't question him later, when he's pounding into her against the same wall he had Jared against earlier, either. And he doesn't mention that she smells like sex, alcohol and smoke already.  
  
"We're going to brunch in an hour," he announces before entering the ensuite again. It's not a request and she's ready to leave when he leaves the walk-in closet forty five minutes later.  
  
  
Dean can't help but notice how tired and fragile his brother looks at the table, later that morning. He seems unsettled and inside his own head during most of the conversations. It gives Dean a powerful feeling and he wonders if this is how serial killers are born. His arm around him seems to comfort Jensen when it should be doing anything but that.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen’s alarm goes off on Thursday morning. He’s a little tired, but feels better than he has in days. He showers and dresses before kissing his sleeping wife goodbye. She stirs and opens bleary eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Her voice is still a little groggy, but the concern is genuine.

“I’m fine,” he kisses her again and says, “go back to sleep.”

  
Once inside the parking garage at work, his cell phone rings. It’s his brother.

“Yeah?” He balances the phone on his shoulder and exits his vehicle.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” He covers the distance to the elevator and pushes the Lobby button.

“I’m psychic,” Dean says with a laugh and then adds, “you didn’t look so great Sunday.”

“That was four days ago, Dean.” Jensen rolls his eyes as the elevator stops in the the lobby of his office building. He exits and nods at the security guard between this elevator and the one that will take him upstairs.

“Okay, you got me. I guess I wanted to make sure that you were still coming this weekend?” Dean replies.

“Of course I am. It’s mom’s birthday. I’m not the one who tries to get out of going every year.” There’s amusement in his answer.

“That’s because you’re mom’s favorite,” Dean’s answer is expected.

“I guess we are even, because you were always dad’s. Listen...” he chooses his next words carefully, “can we not? I’m tired of this fight. I’m never changing your mind about dad and you’re never changing mine. It’s a draw.”

“Fair enough, I guess. When are you getting there?” Dean never wants to spend any more time with mother or stepfather than necessary.

“Leaving tomorrow after work. Flight is at 6. You?” Jensen watches the floors on the elevator rise.

“I haven’t booked one yet, wanted to make sure I wouldn’t beat you there.”

Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose, “I don’t know what you’re afraid of, Dean. Mom’s not going to be anything but happy to see you.”

“Right,” his brother sighs, “I’ll see you tomorrow night, then.”

“Roger that,” the younger twin answers.

  
******

  
Jensen parks the rented SUV and walks around to open his wife’s door. She grabs his arm and they make their way up the drive to the large two story home that he grew up in. He rings the doorbell and hears feet running down the stairs inside. The door opens and Sarah Ackles-Lebeau, his baby sister, beams.

“Jensen!” She squeals and jumps in to his arms. He swings her around like he did when she was a kid and kisses both of her cheeks before sitting her down.

“Lizzie,” she kisses and hugs her sister-in-law sweetly, before grabbing her hand and dragging her into kitchen. Jensen smiles at their conspiratorial whispers and takes in the foyer and living room that is different, but the same as it’s always been.

The kitchen door opens and Caroline Johnson walks through the door. She is small and still blonde and perfectly dressed. “There’s my baby,” she wraps him in her arms and he breathes in vanilla and faint perfume. It’s safety and security.

“Happy Birthday, Mom.” He kisses her forehead.

“I thought I was your baby,” Sarah says, teasingly from behind.

“Jensen was my baby for 7 years, but if it makes you feel any better, you are my baby girl.” His mother says, fondly. “Lets go sit outside in the garden,” his mother requests and loops her arms through his.

  
*******

  
The garden is cool in the twilight hours and the lights from the swimming pool shine bright enough to not need the garden lights. Wicker furniture and the smell of roses and grass blend with the dew of early summer.

“Jensen,” A male voice says from behind and Jensen turns to shake his stepfather’s hand.

“Paul, how are you?” Paul Johnson has been his stepfather since Jensen and Dean were 22.

“Good, drink?” He’s already pouring Bourbon from a glass decanter in the middle of the table.

Sarah has settled into the lap of her husband, Wesley Lebeau. He’s a 25-year-old, investment banker from a wealthy family. He stands while cradling Sarah as if she weighs nothing, which at barely 100 pounds, she practically doesn’t.

“Wes, how’s the firm?” He shakes his hand and sits in the empty seat next to the newlywed couple.

“It’s really good, yours?” He’s as polite as any well bred Texan.

  
*******

  
The evening wears on, pleasantly as any other with his family. His brother’s absence is not spoken of and he feels strangely guilty.

Shortly before 10PM, the door bell sounds through the house and his sister takes off at a break neck speed.

“Sarah, we don’t run through the house!” His mother chastises behind her and shakes her head. Jensen knows he should get up and greet Dean, but his sibling will find his way out to garden as easily as he had.

As predicted, the backdoor opens and Sarah’s giggles are heard all the way up the walkway.

Dean has her thrown over his shoulder and she’s mock struggling against him, kicking her short legs and beating tiny fists on his back.

“I was accosted by this trespasser on the front step, says she’s my baby sister. That’s impossible, my baby sister is all grown up. Married even,” Dean’s voice is playful, but sounds off. No one seems to even notice but Jensen.

“Sarah, please get down. You two are not children anymore,” his mother sounds scandalized.

Dean deposits Sarah in Wesley’s lap, “I believe this belongs to you, my good man,” Wesley starts to stand before Dean waves him back down and turns on his feet.

His mother has closed her eyes and embraced her oldest son. “Hey, mom,” Dean’s voice is soft and he kisses her cheek.

“I’m glad you are here. Where’s Monica?” Dean’s shoulders tense up and Jensen holds his breath.

“She couldn’t get away this time,” Dean simply states and turns to the rest of his family. Offering stiff handshakes to his stepfather and a hug to Elizabeth.

Jensen watches the disapproval on his mother’s face in the low light. He trades seats with his wife and sits next to his brother, hands itching to comfort him. He’s offered a one armed hug and it’s awkward and strained.

His brother is leaning away from him and Jensen feels it like a punch to his gut. He’s not sure what’s wrong with his twin, but his body language is screaming at him not to ask.

  
******

  
After bringing the luggage in, Jensen goes back downstairs and searches for Dean. He finally finds him leaning against the railing of the back deck, smoking a cigarette. Only the blue glow from the bug lamp illuminates his his brother’s silhouette.

Jensen sits on the railing next to his brother and takes the cigarette out of his mouth and takes a drag. “Jen, would you like a smoke?”

Jensen takes another puff and says, “Nah, those things will kill you.” He extinguishes the half smoked cigarette and takes a drink from the glass of whiskey on the railing.

“They also cause decreased sperm counts, how ‘bout a drink?” Dean’s lips are trying not to pull up into a smile.

“Gonna tell me what’s wrong?” The younger sibling finishes the glass and pours another.

“You know what’s wrong,” he grabs the glass back and downs it.

“I mean with us,” Jensen lights another cigarette from the pack and studies it. Another inhale, “How the hell do you smoke these things?”

“Put it in your mouth and suck,” Dean says and snickers, but it’s far from funny.

There’s a memory in the back of Jensen’s head that won’t surface. He suddenly feels cold, despite the temperature being warm. He hands the cigarette off and rubs his hands up his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says quietly, “whatever it is, I’m sorry.”

“Why do you think you did something? Why does whatever is bothering me have to be your responsibility?”

“Because you’re my brother? You’re my best friend and I don’t like it when you’re unhappy.” Jensen replies.

Dean’s laugh is cold and he pours himself another drink, he’s barely feeling numb. “News flash little brother, I’m not really a happy guy.”

  
*******

  
It’s a pack of Marlboro Reds and a bottle of Irish Whisky before the brothers turn in for the night. The house is completely dark and Jensen is light-headed. Dean helps him navigate the stairs in a way that only years of sneaking in could have afforded him.

One hand around his little brother’s shoulder and a hand over his mouth, to stifle the giggles, is the scene that Liz opens the guest room door to. Dean smiles sheepishly and hands off her practically vibrating husband.

  
*******

  
The sun is barely creeping over the horizon when the three Ackles siblings creep down the stairs. Jensen’s head is pounding and he feels a little green. His brother, however, looks bright eyed and rested.

“I hate you so much right now,” Jensen tells his him, once they are away from the rest of the sleeping household.

“Because you being a lightweight is my fault?” Dean smiles.

“No, but being a bad influence is,” Sarah says and hands her brother a bottle of Excedrine and a glass of water. “Give those time to work, we’ve got this.” She pulls out a stool at the bar and guides him towards it.

It’s a time honored tradition to make Caroline breakfast on her birthday and Mother’s Day. Ironically enough, it was started as far back as either of the elder brothers can remember by their father. Two little, tow headed boys sat at this very bar while Davis Ackles made blueberry pancakes and fried bacon. Then all three would ascend the stairs to wake her up. After the divorce, they would wait for her to make her way to the kitchen.

“How are the Grad School applications?” Dean asks his sister. She’s folding blueberries into batter for the pancakes.

“I don’t think I want to go to Grad School, at least not right now.” She answers, not meeting his eyes.

“Why not?” Jensen says from his stool, “you already took a year off to for your wedding and new house.”

“Don’t you at least want a career? Something you achieved on your own?” The oldest sibling probes.

“Mom says there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife and mother. Wes makes enough that I don’t have to work.”

“Far be it from me to disagree with mom,” Dean says and takes the bowl out of her hands.

Jensen, ever the peacemaker of the family, clears his throat. “You’re an adult, it’s your decision. Now, if you could go ahead and say, give mom a grandchild, she’d get off our cases about it.”

Dean turns and looks at his brother, “Oh, I like this plan. How soon can you get on that?” He turns and smiles sweetly at his sister.

“I’m not discussing this with you two,” she covers her ears. “It’s gross.”

“I am a doctor and if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t do it.”

Jensen starts laughing and soon both brothers are doubled over, their sister glaring at them.

That’s when Caroline decides to come into the kitchen. She takes in the scene in front of her. “What are you doing to your sister?”

“Nothing mom,” Jensen kisses her head, “Sarah was just telling us how much she wants to be a mother and I think that’s a fantastic idea. Don’t you agree?”

“Why do you two continue to deny an old woman of grandchildren?” She crosses her arms.

“That’s unfair, we’ve been practicing giving you grandkids for years. Honest.” Dean laughs and Sarah covers her ears again.

Their mother laughs, in-spite of herself. “Alright, that’s enough. This isn’t a conversation for polite company.”

“Who says we are polite?” Jensen asks and gets the plates out of the cabinet.

  
*******

  
Dinner at their mother’s favorite restaurant actually goes better than it has in years, even though Dean is uncharacteristically quiet the whole evening. Which no one seems to think anything of but Jensen.

By the time Sunday rolls around and Liz and Jensen get to the airport, she’s picked up on her husband’s mood.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” She asks as they make their way through security.

“I’m fine. I just...did Dean seem a little quiet to you?”

“Maybe a little, but he’s never the life of the party at your mother’s. It’s not hard to figure out that your mother disapproves of Monica. How would you feel if she hated me?”

“She doesn’t hate her. She doesn’t fit into what she wanted for us. But Dean’s never been a conformist.” It comes out a little sad.

 

*******

 

The weeks pass and Jensen’s strange dreams are all but forgotten. He’s preparing depositions for a new case for his firm and filing patent claims for a high profile client, which causes him to get home late every night.

The third Friday in July is the retirement party of one of the senior partners at a local restaurant. They’ve rented the entire restaurant out and invited just about every firm worth it’s salt in the city. There are colleagues along with dozens of people that Jensen has never seen before.

He settles Liz in at their table and approaches the bar in the front of establishment. While waiting for one of the bartenders to make their way down to him, a guy in his late twenties or early thirties stands next to him.

“Are you going to ignore me?” The guy says.

Jensen turns and looks at the man. He’s pretty sure he’s never seen him before in his life. “Do I know you?”

“Biblically,” The guy says with a smirk and starts to caress the hand that Jensen is resting on the bar.

He removes his hand and says, “Look pal, I think you have me confused with someone else. I am married and you’re not my type.”

“So that’s how this is going to be? So last year we never met at that bar and we didn’t spend the night in a hotel room? And we certainly never had any kind of sex?” The guy is smiling and leaning closer than ever.

“I suggest you take a step back,” a voice says behind them.

Jensen turns to see Jared towering over them.

“I’m having a chat with my friend here,” The guy tells Jared.

“Jensen, you know this guy?” Jared’s voice is even, but at his size, it doesn’t take much to be menacing.

“I’ve never seen him before in my life,” Jensen calmly tells him.

“Buddy, I suggest you back off,” Jared glares at the man.

“Careful with this one, he’s a bit of a freak,” the guy leaves the bar without looking back.

“I swear I’ve never seen that guy before...” Jensen begins, looking a little shell shocked. Could his brother? Nope, not going there. He clears his throat. “Thanks, Jared. Is Adrienne here? Liz is already sitting down.” He offers his hand to the taller man.

“We actually saw her, first. Then I came to get our drinks,” Jared shakes the proffered hand, then he signals one of the bartenders. His height and brilliant smile giving him an advantage in the crowded room.

  
*******

  
After ordering their drinks, Jared leads the youngest Ackles Brother back to the table where their wives are engaged in an animated conversation.

“So, then the judge said, ‘Counselor Palicki, I recommend enrolling her in law school as soon as possible!’” Both females burst into giggles as Jensen slides into the seat next to his laughing spouse.

“Addy, are you telling the story of how you got arrested at a sit-in at 9, again?” Jared groans and covers his eyes.

“That is a very important moment in my law career, mister.” She kisses his nose fondly and Jensen smiles at the affectionate display.

“So, Jensen. Any stories about how you became a lawyer?” Jared asks, turning his head towards him and Liz.

Jensen feels his wife tense beside him, but he soldiers on. “Nah, dad was a brilliant surgeon and wanted both of us to become doctors. He didn’t factor in my phobia of blood, so when I passed out and gave myself a concussion, while dissecting a pig fetus in 10th grade Biology, we knew I’d never become an MD. So a doctorate was the closest thing he’d allow.”

Jared looks at him sadly and nods, “Dean doesn’t talk about your dad much, other than saying that he was a genius.”

“Well, he died three years ago. Throat Cancer. Funny how a brilliant man, educated at the best schools, can still smoke three packs a day and drink his daily caloric intake in Scotch...” Jensen’s voice trails off, his brother fits that description too well.

Adrienne’s hand covers her mouth and she suppresses a gasp. “I’m so sorry, we had no idea.” Her other hand blindly reaches for Jared’s.

Jensen sighs, “It’s okay. I’ve grieved over my father. He was brilliant, but we weren’t close.”

  
*******

  
The night ends with Jared giving Jensen his number and the women planning more then just lunch dates. Jensen can see why his brother is friends with his energetic neighbor, even if it is completely out of character.

Jensen waits until Elizabeth is sleeping at his side before stepping out onto the balcony and dialing his twin’s number.

“If you have this number, you know who this is. So act accordingly... beep.” Comes his brother’s whiskey rough timbre. He’s not used to his brother not answering, lest he on a plane or in surgery and as far as he knows, his brother has neither scheduled.

“Dean, hey. I miss you, bro... call me.” Jensen hangs up and slips back into bed, sleep finally coming hours later.


	3. Chapter 3

October comes way too quickly and Lizzy's birthday is October the thirtieth and Jensen gets roped in on the whole costume party, for all of their friends.

 

Jared, Adrienne, Dean and Monica are part of the guest list and Jared convinces Dean to attend the party. "Your brother would be really upset if you blew him off, which you've been doing way too much, lately. He thinks that it’s something that he's done and he has been beating himself up over it for weeks."

 

Dean leans back in his office chair at the clinic, as much as they swore that this affair was over, neither had the will power to end the sexual part of their relationship. "I wasn't aware that you and Jack were besties now. Are you sleeping with him?" The venom pours out of the surgeon's mouth, harsher than he intended.

 

"NO! The last time I checked, your brother was a big, fat zero on the Kenzie Scale," Jared denies. "Adrienne and Liz are good friends and since you've abandoned him, he needs a friend. Without benefits. Want to tell me what in the fuck is your problem?"

 

"My problem? Gee, lets see, I've never had a lover that lasted more than a week, besides Monica. And truthfully, I can't stand to see her face these days. Now you are buddy-buddy with my brother, that we essentially raped. So excuse me if I’m struggling with all this."

 

"Well, you owe it to him to show up to his wife's birthday party," the younger man crosses his arms and uses a tone that brooks no argument.

 

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache already blossoming behind his eyelids. He gets up and crosses the distance between the two men quickly, foregoing any inclination or illusion of personal space. "If I show up, what's in it for me?" The doctor threads his fingers in the belt loops of Jared's suit pants and tugs his lower body close to his own.

 

Jared's poker face in court is practiced and always emotionless. However, with the man currently smiling up at him, with that million dollar, panty-dropping, brighter than the sun expression, the young lawyer can't even attempt to keep his own smile from surfacing. "How about you show up, and I'll let you have whatever you want."

 

Dean's face falls for a split second, he wants things with his brother to go back to normal, while at the same time wanting to screw Jensen on a daily basis. Luckily, being so good at lying, he recovers quickly and bites that sinful lower lip, raking his gaze up and down the younger man's body. "Whatever I want? Careful, Padalecki, I have been known to be a freak."

 

Jared throws his head back in an unrestrained laugh, "You a freak? I never would have guessed that. What makes you think that? Is it the brother fucking or that night down in the morgue?"

 

Dean feels himself harden in his pants at the mention of the morgue.He had been working with the resident pathologist on a murder case when Jared had decided to visit him late one night and "relieve some stress." Before the visit was over, Jared had ended up bent over an unoccupied slab, with Dean fucking into him so hard that sitting was a challenge for the next week. Every time Jared tried to sit down, a gleeful grin crossed over his face and he immediately chubbed up.

 

The surgeon raises up in the balls of his feet and places a soft kiss to the other man's lips. It's delicate and almost innocent until Jared grabs the older man's face in his large hands and licks at Dean's upper lip. A groan escapes as Dean parts his mouth just enough for Jared to shove his tongue as far back as he can, feeling the ridges and soft palate of the doctor's entrance.

 

Dean kneads the cheeks of his lover's ass, grinding both of their very awake hard-ons against each other and allowing his mouth to be plundered like the taller man's life depends on it. He's debating on either dropping to his knees or clearing his desk off even as the intercom into his office chirps.

 

"Dr. Ackles," Kate, the charge nurse's voice comes through tentatively.

 

"Fuck!" He says, separating himself from Jared and moving to tap the buzzer."Yes, Kate?" 

"Mr. Bryant woke up disoriented and highly agitated, he tore out his stitches and Dr. Corey is afraid he damaged something else." The nurse sounds almost frightened, Jared notes.

 

"Okay, Kate. Tell Corey that I"m on my way there, if he hasn't sedated the patient, tell him to go ahead and administer Diazepam," the doctor was already pulling on his lab coat and smoothing his hair down. "I have to go," he gives Jared another brief, but probing kiss, then extracting himself from the man hestops at the door. "Finish this later?"

 

Jared nods and then adds, "Think about what I said."

 

 

*******

 

 

Dean quickly moves to the elevator that leads to the breezeway connecting the hospital to his clinic.His thoughts are filled with Jared and getting this patient squared away so that they can finish without interruption.

 

Dr. Corey, is normally a very capable intern who requires very little tutelage from Dean. He does have a habit of sometimes second guessing himself when he knows that Dean or Dr. Hodge are close by. Ordinarily, Dean doesn't mind, he's a doctor for fuck's sake, but right now he's just annoyed.He hates that it is happening more often since Jared strolled into his orderly life and caused so much chaos.All it took was a body that looked like it was carved out of marble and a set of mesmerizing, kaleidoscope eyes and Dean's carefully cultivated, immaculate existence went sailing out the window like a candy wrapper in a tornado.

 

 

*******

 

 

It's three hours later when Dean finally turns the key into the lock of the flat's front door. He's tired, hungry and more than a little horny. He doesn't really expect Jared to be there, since it’s a Thursday and that's a no-go day for the young lawyer at home.

 

His gasp and arousal are both evident as he's shoved back against the door and Jared drops to his knees. It takes him just a few seconds to unbuckle Dean's belt, fingers moving with practiced ease. The whooshing sound of the belt being pulled out of the loops of Dean's dress slacks is immediately followed by the clanking of the buckle hitting the hardwood floor and a thud as the weight of the leather impacts the ground.

 

Jared wastes no time undoing the button and zipper, yanking the still surprised man's trouser's down to his knees.The younger man hooks his thumbs in Dean's red and black, Saxx boxer briefs, the pads of his digits caressing the smooth skin along Dean's defined Adonis Belt, the vee pointing down like an arrow. It could be pointing to heaven or hell, depending on who you ask.Not in the mood to tease the standing man tonight, Jared pulls the shorts down as far as his pants will allow and places a kiss right below Dean's belly button. The doctor is so responsive and doesn't disappoint; he shivers and attempts to arch away from the assault, even though the door and Jared's hand on one hip restricts his movement.

 

The younger man licks the drop of precome that has already collected at the tip, letting the salty flavor explode on his tongue before taking the head of Dean's now painfully hard erection into his mouth. One hand holds onto a hip and the other grips Dean's length at the base, pulling the foreskin taunt, making the sensitive nerve endings around the crown of the surgeon's dick more accessible. Jared sucks at the head, much like one would suck on a lollipop, truth be told, this is better than any lollipop that Jared has ever had and as a candy addict, that's saying something.

 

Neither man has uttered a single word and the silence of the room, beyond Dean's increased breathing, just adds to the tension and heightened excitement of the situation. When Jared twirls his tongue around the tip and dips into the slit, Dean has to close his eyes and take several deep breaths to keep from coming right then. He knocks his head back against the heavy, reinforced door and threads his long, deft fingers into Jared's silky hair. It takes all of Dean's will power to not fuck into the kneeling man's talented mouth, instead, he rubs his fingertips against Jared's scalp.

 

Jared's scalp is one of his most erogenous zones and having it stimulated causes him to moan, the vibrations driving Dean to thrust his hips forward.

 

The lawyer takes the hint and uses his forearm across Dean's lower stomach to hold him in place and then takes the rest of the older man's throbbing cock into his mouth and throat, swallowing around it, just to have Dean tighten his hands in Jared's locks; the grip is almost too painful and Jared scrapes his teeth against the glans as he moves up the shaft of the older man's weeping erection.

 

Jared hollows his cheeks, increasing the suction, quickly swallowing around Dean's length again. He picks that moment to look up at the man that he's currently causing to fall apart.Up until that moment, it had been impersonal (as impersonal as having someone's dick in your mouth, anyway) but now as he takes in Dean's near angelic face, his own hard-on pulses in his pants and he can feel the sticky wetness of precome seeping into the fabric of his boxer briefs.

 

Dean's eyes are half-mast, the pupil's dilated, leaving only a small sliver of green around large black orbs. His face is flushed, a pink hue that is tinting his cheeks and down into the open collar of his dress shirt, even the tips of his ears look as though they are red hot. His lips are parted and the bottom one looks swollen, as though he's been kissed or bitten, violently, with his tongue curled around his two front teeth. There is a light sheen of sweat across his forehead and the temples of his hairline is darkened with perspiration. The upright man looks deliciously wrecked, but the way he is looking at Jared, like he is something precious, causes the kneeling male's heart to skip a couple of beats and thud loud enough that Jared isn't sure that the neighbors can't hear it.

 

Saliva and precome has collected on the base of Dean's cock and Jared's hand is soaked with it, every bob of the lawyer's head leaves more moisture in its wake and Dean knows that he's not going to last much longer. He's been turned on since Jared showed up at his office and thinking about it has only made walking painful and almost embarrassing-thank goodness for charts.

 

Jared releases the base of Dean's dick and tugs firmly on Dean's balls, that are tightened and drawn up against his body, confirming the fact that his climax is imminent. The younger man uses the moisture to circle around the tight rim of Dean's puckered opening. He increases the speed of his mouth, allowing the doctor to fuck into his throat with reckless abandon, all while slipping his index finger past the ring of muscles of the older man's hole, all the way to the first knuckle.

 

Dean inhales sharply, the breath enters his lungs harshly while his hands are fisting and pulling at strands of hair and then he's coming. Colors explode behind his eyes like fireworks on the fourth of July, while tendrils of pleasure rips through his body like grabbing ahold of an electric fence. He feels like he's weightless and heavy at the same time and the blood that's rushed away from his upstairs brain has made him light-headed. He comes longer and harder than he has in a while and Jared's unwavering assault on his prostate sends him into a free fall-he's like a tightrope walker, one side pleasure and the other side pain. By the time Jared has sucked him essentially dry, there are tears in Dean's eyes from teetering over into the painful side of the rope.

 

Jared swallows as much of Dean's release as he could manage, his jaw has become a little numb from the amount of suction he used to get the older man off, then allows the softening appendage to slip gingerly out his mouth.

 

Dean grasps a still kneeling Jared by the shoulders and drops down to his knees, he pulls the lawyer against him and wraps his arms around his waist before kissing him. It's filthy, spit and teeth, with Dean tasting himself on Jared's tongue, which shouldn't be that hot. They battle for control of the kiss, biting at each other's lips and tongues until Jared feels himself being shoved back onto the floor.

 

Dean undoes the younger man's pants and shoves them, along with his boxers, down in one fluid pull. Then, without any preamble or finesse,he's taking Jared's neglected cock into his mouth.

 

Jared's so hard that his length is flushed a deep red, with the vein on the underneath side bulging and angry looking. The wet heat of that talented mouth, makes the lawyer whisper obscenities along with a few prayers and probably a promise or two. Dean has the prettiest mouth of anyone (besides Jensen) that Jared has ever seen and knowing that he knows how to use it, is almost torture in and of itself. He can't count the times that he's totally spaced out staring at Dean's mouth, while he was eating or doing other mundane things, just imagining those lips and that fucking tongue of his doing things that are probably illegal in all fifty states.

 

The older man, currently has those pretty, pink lips, all spit slicked and kiss swollen, wrapped around Jared's substantial size. They are stretched obscenely, saliva and precome leaking out because Jared is just that big. Most people were intimidated or at least a little frightened of how well endowed the man was, but Dean had taken one look and smiled like he had won the lottery, proclaiming, "Thank fuck, you're proportional."

 

Jared's hands settle on Dean's face, thumbs stroking the older man's chiseled cheek bones, his fingers tracing the delicate skin around Dean's ears. He can feel his dick through the thin membrane of the doctor's cheeks and its another thing about Dean that is a thousand times hotter than it should be. 

 

Jared can feel his orgasm building up at a break neck speed, he's going to come embarrassingly fast and doesn't even give a shit. He feels like a rubber band that's been stretched as far as it will go and now its snapping back. That's when Dean pulls off and Jared honest to God whimpers. He was right there, what in the fuck is wrong with this asshole?

 

Dean laughs at the epic pout and the fact that he actually said the asshole line out loud, before he kisses the younger man's perineum and says, "Shhh, baby.I've got you."

 

Jared doesn't even have time to process the endearment, that is so out of character for Dean, because suddenly Dean is licking around the lawyer's rim with long, wet strokes that alternate between clockwise and counter clockwise.

 

When Dean dips the tip of his tongue inside the first ring of muscle like a velvet spear, Jared is vibrating with need, writhing and undulating so pornographically that the older man's own fucked out cock twitches where it's still peeking out of his disheveled attire.

 

Jared is desperate for any type of relief and he reaches down and strokes himself in time with Dean's tongue. He's so close to coming that he's groaning like a prostitute when Dean reaches up and stills his hand.The lawyer's protests sound like that of a three-year-old and Dean laughs in spite of himself.

 

"You trust me, right?" The older man asks between sealing his lips around his opening and sucking and fucking his tongue in and out. The pace of his tongue goes from as fast as possible to so slow it is barely moving and if Jared doesn't come soon, he's going to maim his lover.

 

The truth of the matter is that he does trust Dean. He has abso-fucking-lutely no reason to trust the man, but he does. "Should I?" Jared grunts out, his nerve endings are on fire and he's been teased past his tolerance level.

 

"I deserve that," the doctor can't even be offended, it’s 100% true that he's not the most trust worthy individual outside of practicing medicine. "Just trust me and I'll make this so good."

 

The younger man snorts, like there was ever a chance that it wasn't going to be good. Just when Jared thinks he's going to die, Dean holds two fingers up to his mouth. "Get 'em wet."

 

Jared takes the proffered appendages in his mouth as instructed, sucking and lapping at them with his tongue like he would do to Dean's dick. He scrapes his teeth over them and nibbles at the pads, causing Dean to let his own moan slip out.

 

Once the doctor is satisfied that they are wet enough, he removes them Jared chuckles loudly. "What's funny?" The surgeon inquires.

 

The younger man reaches into the pocket of his askew slacks and takes out a bottle of lube, grinning wickedly as he watches Dean realize that he just sucked on his fingers to tease him. The doctor can't even be upset about it and rolls his eyes at the humor of the situation. "Why, Jay, do you carry lube everywhere with you?"

 

"Don't you?" The lawyer is teasing again and Dean is fairly sure he's in love. The fact that he hasn’t freaked out about it yet, is sort of freaking him out.

 

"Obviously I don't, I didn't want to leave you long enough to go to the bedroom." The older man admits.

 

"Less talking, more fucking," Jared replies and Dean has no choice but to acquiesce.

 

The first finger slides in without any resistance, the lube and Dean's persistent treatment with his tongue, has left the wrinkled orifice relaxed and sloppily wet.He finds that sweet spot in seconds and begins to massage it, torn between watching Jared's greedy opening all but suck his finger in or seeing the totally gorgeous, blissed out expression that Jared always gets in the throws of passion. He's positively stunning and for the first time in awhile, maybe forever, he's jealous. It’s a twisted feeling that is dark and makes him feel wrong in ways that are totally foreign. He shakes off those dirtybadwrong feelings and focuses on the here and now.

 

Jared's pleas begin to get more persistent, they are mixed in with a litany of nonsensical phrases and enough profanity to make a sailor blush. The younger man's legs have fallen open as widely as possible, granting Dean plenty of room to worship the man that is quaking with lust beneath him. Jared's large hands are opening and closing to thin air and he's worrying his lower lip between his teeth so forcefully that the older man is afraid that he's going to split the skin open. The lawyer looks like sex personified and he's given him every wanton sexual fantasy that he's brought into the bedroom.

 

When Dean finally takes Jared back into his mouth, the sob that comes out causes little Dean to stand up and take notice. With his cheeks hollowed, the doctor takes Jared's engorged penis into his throat and with some frustrating difficulty, he swallows around it, making sure to keep up the assault on Jared's prostate. His other hand is pinching and teasing the younger man's responsive nipples into stiff peaks, and occasionally rolling his balls in hand, squeezing just hard enough to cause more obscenities to come rolling off of his lover's tongue.

 

"God Dean, I'm going to...FUCK!" Is all the lawyer manages to get out. Dean sucks as hard as he can, fingers moving in a blur as his other arm has to hold an arching and bucking Jared down on the floor to keep from getting choked.

 

The sparks start out where Dean's fingers are probing in an unwavering rhythm, it’s like static electricity and his whole body breaks out into goose bumps. The feeling rapidly changes to euphoria, like taking the best drug that Jared can ever remember trying. It's a warmth that soon encompasses his groin area and lower stomach. The pleasure is so intense that he feels like his muscles are turning inside out and he can't help the scream that leaves his mouth. "Oh fuck...fuck...fuck...I'm coming!"

 

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Jared feels his climax practically sucked out of him by the increased suction Dean is currently employing. The younger man has never felt anything like it, it’s so good he feels high.Wave after wave of bliss crashes into him like the tide against the shore during a full moon and he empties the evidence of his release inside the surgeon's wickedly, criminal mouth. After all the aftershocks have subsided, Dean fixes his own pants, then pulls the remaining pant leg that Jared is still wearing, off and leavinghim in his boxer briefs.The older man crawls up Jared's warm, pliant body, straddling his waist and leaning down to kiss Jared so sweetly and tenderly that it confuses the lawyer; he isn't going to complain, however, and wraps himself around the surgeon, deepening the kiss.

 

Neither man is sure how long they lay in the floor at the front door, just lazily kissing and trading intimate touches. Jared doesn't delve too deep into the reasons why Dean is being affectionate, he's just going to enjoy it for the time being, because all good things come to an end.

 

When Dean decides to get up out of the floor, both men are hard again and it’s clear that round two should happen in the actual bedroom, where their backs will thank them.The older man threads his fingers through Jared's and leads him into the large single bedroom with the huge California King, only pausing to remove their remaining clothing and for Dean to kiss every patch of skin that is revealed before coaxing Jared to lay back on the bed and crawls over him.

 

The kisses are just as gentle as they were in the foyer, as well as the soft pecks that cover the lawyer's face. The older man plants them on his forehead, eyelids, nose, before sucking an earlobe in between his incisors, biting at the flesh in a near delicate way. Nearly every part of Jared's body is worshipped with kitten licks or softly sucking the skin in with open mouth kisses, just not strong enough to leave marks.

 

When Dean finally wraps Jared's legs around his waist and pushes inside him, it’s done slowly and they are so close together that Jared is immediately reminded that this isn't just fucking. This is how you make love to a female, he's never had a guy treat him like he was made of glass and if it was anyone but Dean, he'd call them out and make them take the kid gloves off.

 

After finally bottoming out, they kiss, deeply and with more emotion than Dean has ever showed for another lover before. He gives Jared plenty of time to adjust, even though he's still loose and relaxed from earlier. When he does start to move, it is slow and intimate, his thrusts aren't fast, but placing his right hand under Jared's ass, angles his hips just enough that he's penetrating deeper than usual and he's hitting that amazing bundle of nerves that makes the young lawyer clench around Dean's erection.

 

At this slow of a pace, it takes far longer than Dean had realized and they both are soaked with sweat, Jared's hair is plastered to his forehead and curled around his ears. Dean never breaks eye contact, he wants to watch every emotion reflected on Jared's stunning face, despite his arms and thighs shaking from exhaustion.

 

When he feels his own orgasm drawing near, he reaches for the lube and pours it on Jared's rock hard cock and begins to stroke the younger man in time with the rhythm of his hips. He's shocked when Jared picks up the discarded bottle of lube and slicks two of his fingers up. Jared's abnormally long limbs make it possible for him to circle Dean's tight rim, his movements are slow and almost hesitant. The surgeon smiles at the question in the man beneath him's eyes, "Go ahead, do it."

 

Granted permission, one finger sinks all the way to the hilt and Dean gasps at the burn. It’s harder at this angle to find Dean's prostate, but Jared does after a few minutes and the older man's hips stutter as he rests their foreheads together. "Shit, Jay... tell me you're close." His voice is sex drunk and wrecked, eyes glassy with that pink flush coloring his face and chest.

 

"I'm close. Follow my rhythm," the man on the bottom replies and speeds up the thrusting of his fingers in and out of Dean's fluttering hole. It takes all of the older male's concentration to match the speed of his hips and the corkscrew-like pulling of Jared's shaft, while Jared attacks his prostate with a single minded focus.

 

"My God, you are so gorgeous, especially right now." Dean leans further in and gives Jared a passion filled kiss, plundering his mouth with the same measured tempo as the rest of their bodies.

 

Jared's other hand is griping Dean's back, right between his shoulder blades, when his nails started to leave scratches in their wake, the younger male pulls back from his lover to groan, "Deeeeaaannn!" White, hot ropes of come spill out over the doctor's hand and on both of their stomachs. Jared's peak wasn't as strong and didn't last as long as the first one had, but the intimacy of it made it twice as intense and therefore just as good or better than the former.

 

Jared's sphincter muscle involuntarily clamps down tightly around Dean's aching cock, violently pulling his own pleasure crescendo out of his throbbing length. Between the relentless prodding of his prostate and the way Jared had whispered his name, Dean's second orgasm of the night tears through his body like being struck by lightning.Murky colored semen fills the condom almost completely up, which he swore an hour ago was impossible. Blood rushes into his ears in a dull roar, his eyes rolling back in his head, while the curling of his toes is tight enough to cause leg spasms.

 

"Holy Shit!" The older man pants out as he grabs ahold of the base of the condom and pulls out as easily as possible, which still causes the lawyer to whine at the loss. Dean flops down on the empty side of the bed and drops the condom into the waste basket next to the bed; grabs a handful of tissues from the nightstand and attempts to clean the rapidly drying spunk off both of their bodies. "We need a shower," the doctor announces, but makes no attempt to move, other than turning toward Jared and propping himself up on his elbow.

 

"What?" Jared asks, noticing the silly grin that Dean is directing at him.

 

Dean offers a one armed shrug and smiles even bigger, "That was intense..." he starts to say before Jared interrupts.

 

"That's one way of putting it. But seriously, what the hell was that?"

 

Dean's grin falters, "You promised I could have anything if I agreed to go to Lizzy's party..."

 

"You picked that? Dude?" Jared's confusion has just multiplied by a factor of 5.

 

"I've never done that before, thought I'd see what the hype was about." The doctor goes for nonchalant.

 

"You've never made love to a guy before?" Jared tries to make some sense of the situation.

 

"No, I've never...I'm not calling it that...but nope, not with anyone."

 

Jared stares at the other man in disbelief, "Not even with your wife?"

 

Dean snorts and rolls his eyes, "Especially not with my wife."

 

Jared is suddenly extremely sad for Dean,he knew the man has more issues than Time Magazine, but it’s even worse than he thought. "So, does this mean you're going?”

 

"I don't know why you care if I go or not, but a deal is a deal. What time does it start?" Dean asks.

 

"Seven," is Jared's reply. "Shower?"

 

"Shower," Dean confirms.

 

 

********

 

 

Jensen is getting out of his SUV in the parking garage at work when his cell phone rings, he immediately recognizes his brother's ringtone; he wants to be mad a him for all of five seconds for blowing him off over the last several months. But in the end he thumbs the phone open and approaches the elevator. "Ackles," he answers, just so his sibling knows that going radio silent on him is not going to be forgiven easily.

 

"So that's how it’s going to be?" Dean isn't used to his brother being the moody one of the pair, but he figures he deserves it.

 

"New phone, who is this?" Jensen sounds serious and it’s a good thing that his brother can't see the smirk pulling up at the corner of his mouth.

 

"Look, I'm sorry. I've had some personal shit going on and I shouldn't have shut you out." The apology sounds genuine, but it doesn't take the sting out of the word 'personal.'

 

"You know, Dean, thirty years of you saying you're sorry kind of makes it lose its meaning," it's below the belt and Jensen knows that, but he's still nursing his bruised feelings.

 

"Well, I don't know what you want me to do, I'm sorry and it won't ever happen again, I swear."

 

"There is one thing you can do. You are coming tomorrow night, right?" Jensen smiles into the phone, he's positively evil.

 

"Yes, I'll be there.Now, what level of embarrassment are we talking?" Dean already regrets agreeing to go.

 

"Well..."

 

 

*******

 

 

It's six-thirty the next night and Dean is standing in front of the mirror in his brother's walk in closet, unable to believe that he even tried this ridiculous uniform on. Staring back at himself, the cornflower blue of the pants is just as hideous as it was at eight years ago, but surprisingly, they fit better now than when he was twenty-two. The white material of the shirt is stretched tightly across his biceps and shoulders, causing the UCLA logo that is scrawled across his chest to be extended out over his pecs and leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination.

 

Jensen picks that moment to knock on the door jamb of the closet, "You decent?"

 

"I'm a hundred percent certain that I have nothing that you haven't seen," the older brother rolls his eyes as Jensen strides into the space that is the size of most people's bedrooms.

 

Dean takes in his brother's outfit and suddenly feels a little bit better about being forced into Jensen's old uniform. The bright canary shirt and holstein vest of Woody from Toy Story should look utterly ridiculous, and it does. It should not, however look that adorable. Dean guesses he really is vain and self-absorbed for thinking his brother is attractive, but those are the least of his issues.

 

"Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!" Dean can't help but quote the movie that their sister watched on repeat as a child. Jensen flips his sibling the bird, and inspects his own costume in the mirror.

 

"Well, we are in the closet together," Dean snarks and grins playfully when his brother rolls his eyes at the lame attempt to joke.

 

There's something scratching at he edge of Jensen's memory and it leaves him feeling odd, but he doesn't know what it is, so he straightens his hat and then reaches up to tuck the tag back inside his brother's shirt, Dean fights back a shiver as the younger brother's fingers casually brush against the nape of his neck.

 

The surgeon is getting ready to make a token joke about personal space when Elizabeth sticks her head in the closet. "Oh my God, Dean! You lost a bet, didn't you?"

 

"Something like that," he says and glares at her husband before accepting the hug as his sister-in-law closes the distance the distance between them. Once she pulls away, he notices her white and and yellow shirt with holstein chaps covering her blue jeans. "Happy Birthday, Jessie."

 

"Thank you, Dean." She responds before looping her arm through Jensen's and tugging him towards the door. "You two can't hide in the closet all night."

 

Dean shoots his brother a glare that says, 'See? It's funny!' Before following the Disney clad couple down the steps and into the den. There are already a handful of people seated on the L-shaped, Roma Sectional, drinks in hand as they quietly exchange pleasantries. 

 

Dean approaches Jared, shakes his hand and comments on his Winter Soldier costume as if he wasn't buried balls deep in the man not even forty-eight hours ago.He hugs Adrienne and kisses her cheek as they both poke fun at each others' outfit.Adrienne's being Wonder Woman, which she rocks; Dean only feels slightly guilty for the times that he has kept Jared away from his wife, who honestly is way more deserving of her husband's affections than he is.

 

 

*******

 

 

The party is in full swing around 10pm and the fenced in backyard is decorated in elaborate decor, extremely fitting for the holiday. There are tombstones dotting the landscape with a fog machine turning the space into a macabre scene straight out of a horror movie. The D.J., who happens to work with Liz as a paralegal, is playing a mix of campy, Halloween themed music and songs that can actually be called music.

 

The doorbell rings and Jensen absently wonders who the hell would be showing up at this hour; he's pleasantly shocked and speechless when he opens the door to find his sister, Sarah, and her husband, Wesley, dressed like Rogue and Gambit from The X-Men.

 

"Sarah, what are you doing here?" Jensen asks as the youngest Ackles sibling flings herself into his arms and wraps her arms and legs around him.

 

"You invited me, duh," the girl huffs out as sarcastically as she can muster, the affection for her middle brother seeping into her voice.

 

"I know that I invited you, I just didn't think you guys were going to make it. Come in, everyone is out back." Jensen places Sarah back on her feet and shakes Wes' hand. "Nice costumes."

 

"Remy Lebeau, get it?" Sarah says smugly before adding, "we would have been her a lot sooner, but our flight was delayed, then we got lost in traffic trying to find the hotel. But we are here, now."

 

"Liz is going to flip out, come on," he drags the duo out back where the birthday girl is chatting animatedly with Adrienne and one of their neighbors.

 

Elizabeth literally jumps up and down when she sees the small blonde, hugging her and quickly introducing her to everyone in earshot.

 

When Jensen grabs two beers from the cooler by the door, Sarah hesitates and declines the drink. He eyes her skeptically before his eyes widen and he says, "Are you?" Her nod is enough to have him grinning from ear to ear and hugging her again. "That's fantastic. When?"

 

"I'm just over three months. Can we not announce this tonight? It's Liz's day and I don't want to upstage her." She whispers to him.

 

Her brother nods, thinking that it is really considerate of his baby sister and starts scanning the yard for their brother. "We have to tell Dean, though." He's almost giddy and she smiles, grateful to have a sibling that is genuinely happy for her.

 

Another search of the backyard and it's clear that Dean is not behind the house. He spots Adrienne talking to a couple that he thinks works at Liz's office and he interrupts her conversation. "Have you seen Dean?"

 

"Not for a little while, I haven't seen Jared, either." Adrienne shakes her head, clearly nonplussed by her missing spouse. "Check by the beer," she chuckles a little evilly and returns her attention to her prior conversation.

 

Ten minutes later, Jensen still can't find his brother, even though his car is still parked in the driveway.The younger brother goes back inside the house, nightmarish scenarios such as Dean drunkenly falling down the basement steps or tumbling off the balcony play over and over in his head as he climbs the steps and checks the guest room and master bedroom; both rooms are completely empty and he tries to call Dean’s cell phone again, which goes almost immediately to voice mail.

 

He's walking past his office when a noise from inside the room catches his attention. Taking ahold of the door knob, he finds the door locked, which is odd because he doesn't remember locking it this afternoon. He fishes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door. The scene before him has him frozen in place, his heart pounding in his throat and his skin is suddenly too tight for his body.

 

Jared is leaning up against his desk, head tilted back and his eyes closed, his pants and boxers are pooled around his ankles and there between his legs, on his knees, is his brother. Jared's hands are carded through the short hairs at the back of

Dean's head and Jensen can't see his brother's face. 

 

Dean suddenly shifts his body and Jensen can see his brother's swollen lips stretched obscenely around Jared's erection as the younger man fucks into the mess of saliva and precome that is Dean's mouth.

 

Jensen's gasp at the visual confirmation, is loud enough that Jared's eyes snap open into a panicked expression, as he forces the man on his knees to pull off and turn his head.As soon as Dean locks his eyes with the horrified ones of his sibling, something in Jensen snaps. His keys fall from his hand and clatter loudly against the hardwood floor and he turns around and runs out the door, slamming it behind him in his wake.

 

Dean smacks his head on the hard wood of the oversized, antique desk. "Well, that just happened..."

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

It takes Dean one hundred and four minutes to open the door to the master bedroom and to seek Jensen out. Fifteen were spent convincing Jared to go home; to go get his wife and claim that he wasn't feeling well. Twenty-three passed while he was trying to be happy for his younger sister and the news that he was less than happy about. Of course he gave zero fucks about her having a kid, but his brother should have been the one who had the first child in the Ackles family. They were seven years older than her for fuck's sake. Eleven long minutes were spent convincing his surprisingly sober (of course she was sober, she was trying to have a baby) sister-in-law that her husband was feeling feverish and in a house full of lawyers, he was the one qualified to check on him. Thirty-three counted down on the clock with him pacing in the hallway in front of the bedroom door, trying unsuccessfully to come up with a good reason for what his brother had seen and a reasonable lie. Twelve were consumed with him retching over the toilet, his stomach's thoughts on why he couldn't see Jensen like he saw Sarah; loving him like a younger sibling and nothing more. When had things become so twisted? Six came and went while he was rinsing his mouth out with Listerine and trying not to cry. Four more came with his hand and forehead against the heavy door and wishing he was dreaming.

Once he finally decides he's stalled enough and he needs to do this now, it's just a matter of opening the door and walking into the room; just a bed side light is on and the room is empty upon first glance. The first door is to the spacious ensuite, yielding no Jensen, so he tries the next; the walk-in closet is empty and for that he's glad, because if his brother was hiding in there, he would have laughed at the irony and wouldn't have been able to have stopped his brother from knocking some enamel down his throat. The last place is out onto the balcony, which is the most likely spot for his brother the few times he is feeling emo.

He grabs the door and slowly walks out, the lights from the party and the DJ are still loud, but not overwhelming. The master suite is in the corner of the house with the balcony wrapping around the edge. The side with the doors overlooks the backyard and the pool, while just around the corner, there is a breathtaking view of Elizabeth's flower garden. The pool house creating just enough privacy and darkness that its a good place to sulk. His sibling is sitting with his back to the railing, hands and head on his knees as he drains what looks to be a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Give me the bottle, Jensen," Dean says just loud enough to be heard over the music. His brother looks up, glassy-eyes penetrating the distance between them and the younger of the pair clutches the bottle possessively to his chest. Dean stops a good four feet in front on his seated twin and sighs again, "Come on, hand it over."

Jensen looks irritated and his hold around the bottle tightens. He brings the whiskey to his lips and takes a long, slow pull before tucking it safely back to his chest, it's as effective as saying 'no'!

A pregnant pause passes and then Jensen opens his mouth. It's low, even, his voice sounding more like their father's than Dean's ever heard it when he simply asks, "How long?"

As far as loaded questions go, this is the triple crown. How long has he liked guys? How long has this been going on? How long had the been in his office on his knees? "Want to be more specific, little brother? How long have I been bi?"

Jensen snorts and looks up from peeling the label off of the square glass container in his hand. The light is low, but the surgeon can clearly make out the anger in his face. "I'm not a homophobe, but for Christ's sakes, Dean, he's happily married, trying to start a damn family. So how long? Please tell me this was just a drunken, bad decision tonight."

Dean meets his brother's hard gaze and at least has the decency to look sheepish. "Oh my God!" Jensen covers his face with an arm and takes another drink. Dean moves closer and sits Indian style two feet in front of the sitting brother; far enough away to not be touching, but close enough that it wouldn't take much. He holds out his hand, "Bottle, Jensen."

"Fuck you, get your own!"Jensen's voice is loud, but not loud enough that he could have been heard by the guests in the back yard.

"I need a drink for this conversation," the older man gently replies.

"I think you've had enough," comes the rebuttal, every bit as bitter and biting as Dean expects.

"Look who's taking," the oldest Ackles brother retorts, even though he hadn't really meant to open his mouth.

"You know, I stopped making excuses for you and your behavior when we were five. Why do you do this? Why are you so fucking self-destructive? Is it attention or do you really think that this is all you're worth? You're brilliant, have an amazing life and so fucking what if it's not perfect? Why do have to tear it down before you even give it a chance." Jensen angles the bottom of the decanter out within Dean's reach. "Fine, you're so hell bent on fucking your life up? Your marriage? Don't drag him down with you."

The doctor takes the proffered alcohol and takes a swig; it burns like gasoline going down and he relishes the feel. "Is that what you think this is?" Is what he finally says.

Jensen studies his face. After a few minutes, he gestures for his sibling to explain.

Dean doesn't want to have this conversation in this lifetime, but he knows he's not leaving this room without talking about this if he has a snowball's chance of salvaging his dignity or his relationship with his brother. "Ever think I might actually like the guy?"

"Well, no shit." Jensen says sarcastically, "You were kind of in a compromising position, I hope you don't hate him. If you do, you've got more problems than I thought."

"No...um...I more than like him."

"Son of a Bitch, Dean. He's married. And you are, too. That slip your mind? So I ask again, how long?" Jensen grabs the bottle back.

"A year, it's been a year. It's been going on since we met, give or take a few minutes." Dean whispers so lowly that his brother tilts his head towards him.

"I'm sorry, I thought you said a year?" Jensen usually isn't this bitchy and Dean isn't sure he likes it. "Is that why you wanted us to meet?"

Dean looks guilty, but because of the hidden motive for them meeting, he hopes that Jensen is too angry and inebriated to notice. "I wanted you to meet because, I really like him. Maybe even love him."

The younger sibling scrubs his hand across his face and lets out a loud sigh; he levels his gaze at his brother. "What about Monica?"

"What about her?" Dean's answer sounds defensive and slightly belligerent.

"She's your spouse, Dean. She doesn't deserve this."

The surgeon stares at his brother for several minutes before he decides to tell the truth. "We have an arrangement, she looks fantastic on my arm and I pay for the designer clothes, the expensive cars and we don't ask any questions. I don't love her and I've never loved her, but dad insisted that being married would help my career; it would make me more respectable, taken more seriously. "

The young lawyer gapes at his brother. He is well aware of his brother's trouble with fidelity, but always assumed that it was one sided, since Monica alway appeared supportive of Dean. But now he guesses that she's just doing her job. "What about Jared and Addy? You are going to hurt one, if not both of them, Dean. They are starting a family for crying out loud."

The older brother leans back on his hands and for the first time in maybe forever, he looks wrecked. The pain in his eyes is like a neon sign even in he low light. He clears his throat and nothing comes out.

"He loves you, doesn't he? He loves you and won't leave Adrienne. Oh hell, Dean. How do you get into these messes?" Jensen's anger is forgotten as his heart hurts for his twin.

"No, I won't let him leave her. Not when I'm not even sure that I can be what he needs. There is something broken in me and he deserves better." The older man sighs, voice full of melancholy and sadness.

"Wow, you've got it bad. There's nothing wrong with you, except for your own screwed up demons. I suggest you talk to him, before she gets pregnant."

Dean nods, grateful for the shift in the conversation, "So, are we good?"

His sibling considers him for a few moments before speaking, "I'm still mad as hell at you. But you are my brother and I'm always going to love you. But please be careful, okay?'

"I can do that," Dean assures him.

  
*******

  
Thanksgiving passes in a blur, with Dr's appointments and enough fertility treatments to give Jensen nightmares. They finally decided to try IVF and have been waiting patiently to hear from the clinic. When Jensen's phone rings as he's leaving a late deposition on a quiet Tuesday, his brother's voice is the last thing he expects.

  
*******

  
_Six hours earlier_

_Dean is just finishing up his rounds when his cell phone vibrates in his pocket. "This is Dr Ackles."_

_"Dean?" Dr. Barrett Reed, the head trauma surgeon and the ER's chief surgeon says through the phone in his clipped New England accent. The emergency room physician is twenty years Dean's senior and was working here when their father took the job as Chief of Staff at the hospital._

_"Yeah?" The younger surgeon is shrugging off his lab coat on the way to his office, his cell phone is balanced precariously on his shoulder as he juggles charts and files._

_"There was a really bad accident on I-10, paramedics are en route with at least four patients needing the OR, can you scrub in?" The other male says over the receiver._

_Dean glances at the clock on the wall, its just past three and he sighs. He was going to call Jared and try to smooth over the events from the other night, but now he guesses that will wait. "Yeah, I'll be right down."_

_"Thanks, Dean," Dr. Reed says without waiting for a reply and promptly hangs up. After depositing his files in his office, he walks briskly to the elevator to take him down to the locker room to scrub in._

  
*******

  
_Dr. Reed meets Dean in the doorway of the scrub room, just as the automatic door opens, "Ambulance is five minutes out; I need you in theater three, patient is a thirty-year-old female with a nicked femoral artery to the left leg. Bleeding was stopped with compression to the patient's proximal iliac artery, but Danny can't sit on her forever. To be honest, you have the best hands in this hospital for tedious surgery and reattaching blood vessels is as tedious as it gets."_

_Dean's smirk can't be completely hidden by his surgical mask as he laughs and says, "Flattery will get you everywhere, Barrett."_

_"I'm just calling a spade a spade," the older doctor says with genuine affection. "Davis would be extremely proud of you, you know?"_

_Dean suppresses the urge to snort, he's fairly sure that his father would be every thing BUT proud of him. He ignores the growing pit down deep in his stomach and slows his breathing down. Nothing matters when he's in theater, his mind clear and focused on the task at hand. For all of the older twin's faults, he's really good at his job._

_When he arrives in OR three, the anesthesiologist, Dr. Jonathan Miller already has the patient under general anesthesia and is monitoring her vital signs on on the monitors. Dean asks one of the surgical techs to hold up the notes that the first responders made at the scene. What he sees at the top of the chart makes his heart stop beating, and he nearly runs to the table._

_Covered in a gown and draped in a surgical sheet except for her left leg, left arm and face is Elizabeth Ackles. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, forcing his mind clear._

_"Dr. Ackles?" Dr. Corey's voice finally breaks through the fog of his thoughts and he shakes off the panic that is slowly rising in his throat as he begins asking for instruments and working as quickly as possible._

 

*******

  
Almost six hours later and two codes and Elizabeth is stable and moved to ICU. Dean strips his gown, gloves and other protective clothing off and exits the OR and out the fire exit that isn't supposed to be opened. Shaky hands light a cigarette as he braces himself to call Jensen.

The phone rings twice and Jensen answers, "Hey, bro."

"Where have you been?" Dean sounds angry and that's a completely fair assessment.

"Late deposition, I legitimately just turned my phone back on. Why?" The younger sibling sounds so completely oblivious to the fact that his world is about to come crashing down, that Dean physically aches for him.

"There was a car accident today on I-10, you need to get to the hospital." Dean is using his professional, emotionless voice. The one that he uses to talk to families of patients.

"Is it Elizabeth?" Jensen's voice cracks and Dean swears that he hears a sob over the line. "Is she...? I mean...she's not...?"

"She's alive, but you need to get here," it's all Dean will tell his brother before he hangs up, the surgeon extinguishes his butt under the heel of his shoe and enters the building.

"Dr. Ackles?" He hears Dr. Reed approach him from behind and braces himself for the dressing down he's expecting. "Good job in there." The aging healer says unexpectedly as Dean turns to face him, eyebrows raised in confusion. "I do wish you would have mentioned who the patient was."

"With all due respect, sir, there aren't that many Ackles in the area and it didn't interfere with my ability to do my job. Besides, my brother would have wanted me doing the surgery." Dean shrugs, exhaustion finally setting in.

  
*******

  
Down in the cafeteria, the surgeon grabs a cup of what passes as coffee and shoves down all the emotions that he's feeling at the moment. He wasn't particularly close to his sister-in-law, but his brother does love her and he's going to be beside himself. He's just finished his cup when his phone rings and he answers wearily, "Dr. Ackles."

The night shift charge nurse, whose name eludes him at the moment, informs him that Jensen is waiting to talk to him in the conference room by ICU.

The whole trip up to the Intensive Care Unit, Dean spends calling upon every calming technique that he learned in Med School and every ounce of clinical detachment is employed even though he knows it's futile.

The minute he opens the door and sees how wrecked his sibling's face looks, all of his training goes out the window and he closes he distance between his younger brother and himself. The tight hug that his brother gives him and the gratitude in his eyes, warms Dean up from the inside out. He holds on longer than is strictly platonic before detaching himself and explaining the situation.

"Her car was flipped on the side, the driver side door was crushed against the pavement and her left leg was pinned down between the door and the firewall. She had a severe laceration, that severed several blood vessels, including her femoral artery. The good news is that the pressure from the door kept her from bleeding out, but she still lost a lot of blood." Dean lets the words sink in before continuing, "She's hooked up to a lot of machines and we've got her in a medically induced coma to keep her circulation even. The ventilator is helping her breathe, because she was suffering from severe hypoxaemia.'

"Can I see her?" Jensen already has tears in his eyes from listening to the extent of her injuries.

Dean wants to say no, to spare his sibling the pain of seeing his spouse in her current condition, but can't think of a reason why he can't. "Yeah," the older man rubs a hand across his face and guides his brother through the glass doors that leads to intensive care.

Using his key card to open the locked door, he pauses and says again to his twin, "It looks worse than it actually is."

Upon entering the glass cubicle, Jensen's tears fall freely as his hand covers his mouth, stifling the whimpers that are leaving his throat. His other hand grasps at he sleeve of Dean's scrub top, right where his bicep is causing the fabric to strain in a nearly too tight fashion.

The only sounds besides the gentle sobs of Jensen, is the hiss of the ventilator and the other life support systems and monitors and Dean doesn't know what to say. He finally settles on saying, "Is there any calls you need me to make?"

Jensen looks at a loss at first, then finally pulls his eyes away from his broken wife's face, "Yeah, her parents, sister and brother. Of course mom and Sarah, the rest can wait, I just need to process this myself before talking to people."

"Give me your phone, I'll make the calls." Dean offers, holding out his hand and seeing the surprised look on his twin's face. Jensen doesn't protest and hands over the device, after opening it and scrolling down to his in-laws contact information. Dean walks out of the room and out of the ICU. He uses the privacy of a staff only room to call the requested people.

He's wrecked when he walks back into the room, physically and emotionally. Jensen has pulled a chair over to her bed and is holding the hand that isn't attached to IVs and an oxygen sensor. "Everyone has been informed, her mom and dad are catching the first flight available out of Colorado. Mom wants to come up, but I told her that’s a lot of people and her family should get priority. So if you want her here, I told her you'd text her."

The younger brother takes his phone back and stares up at the surgeon, "Thank you. That's probably a good call." He sniffles and wipes at his face and takes in the totally disheveled appearance of the other male. "Look man, thanks for everything. The nurses said that you were in surgery a long time and it was a complicated procedure."

"You don't have to say 'thank you' for me doing my job or having your back. I'm not good at a lot of things, but I'm a good doctor." Dean admits.

"You look wrecked, man. Go home and rest." Jensen stands and pulls his older brother close before nodding towards the door.

"I'm fine," Dean insists.

"No you aren't. You are exhausted. You were in surgery for awhile, after a full day. I'll be fine. I'll call you if I need you. I need you back in the morning, you are her Dr, right?" Jensen asks.

"Normally, it would be a conflict of interest, but if you want me to, then yes." Dean hadn't even thought that far ahead.

"Of course I do. Now go. And thanks, man." Jensen says softly.

  
*******

  
Dean pulls into his garage and notices Monica's Porsche sitting in it's parking spot and leans over the steering wheel of his car, taking several deep breaths before he exits the car.

He tries to get to the stairs quietly but hears her voice call in from the living room. "Dean, in here."

He pauses and sighs, "I'm really not in the mood tonight, I'm going to bed," he proceeds to stairs.

That's when Jared's voice comes from the living room and says, "Please, Dean."

Dean doesn't need any of this tonight, but he's quickly learning that denying Jared of anything is impossible, so he enters the room and walks straight to the liquor cabinet. After his drink is poured, he finally turns around and takes in the state of his wife and the man of he loves. Monica is seated on the love seat, barefoot and dressed in a simple black dress, dark brown hair spilling around her shoulders. Jared is slouched on the couch, pale and eyes red rimmed.

Monica gets up and walks towards her husband, she takes in his scrub top and pants that he didn't even change and raises her eyebrows. "Accident, I-10. Elizabeth was in it." His voice is low, just loud enough for her to make out.

Her hand comes up to her mouth and she gasps. "Is she...?" She moves to touch him and he flinches away.

"Don't. She's in ICU, lost a lot of blood. I just left Jensen there, so I can do my rounds at 6. Seems she somehow became my patient. At least until she's out of the woods." Dean looks over his shoulder at Jared, who has yet to even move or react other than calling out to him.

"I found him in the foyer when I came home. Says he had a fight with Adrienne and she threw him out," She whispers. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

When he finally meets her eyes, her stare is sympathetic, not accusing. He can't think of anything to say as she fills her own glass and says, "I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Jared."

"Goodnight, um... thanks," Jared stands up as she leaves the room and finally focuses on Dean. "Don't think I've seen you in scrubs before."

The physician removes his jacket and throws it on the back of the couch before sitting down next to the younger man. "You didn't think I did surgery in Armani?"

"No, but sometimes I forget that you are a surgeon and not a runway model." Jared gives him a half-hearted smirk and Dean rolls his eyes.

"Want to tell me what's going on?" Dean takes a sip of his drink, exhaustion already pulling at his eyelids as he tries to fight it.

"I told her, everything..."Jared begins and the flash of anger across Dean's face is enough for him to amend, "Not everything, of course, but about you and me. She wants a divorce, threw me out."

"God damnit, Jared. Why would you do that? What happened to your family and the white picket fence?" Dean isn't really upset, but he really doesn't know what to do with this information.

"I told her because I was leaving her, even if she hadn't thrown me out. I want a white picket fence and 2.5 kids, but not with her. Not anymore. The fact that I keep coming back to you? It means that I can't possibly love her like I thought I did." Jared isn't meeting his gaze, afraid of what he will see.

Dean doesn't know what to do with anything that Jared had just given him. No one outside of his brother has ever done something just because they loved him and it fills him with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Okay, look, you can stay here or at the flat. Figure out what your next step is." Dean takes ahold of his wrist and squeezes, "Look at me, Jared." The young lawyer complies, "You'll figure it out, okay?"

Jared nods, he looks a little unsure and so young. Dean wants to just hug him and protect him from everything bad in the world. His life was so much easier when he didn't care about people.

"Let's get you to bed, I have to get some sleep. Surgery kicked my ass tonight." Dean leads Jared up the stairs and into the first guest room he comes to. Jared just has a duffle bag and Dean asks, "Do you need anything? Spare toothbrush? Valium?" The later is said as a joke, but Jared nods his head. "You want a Valium?"

"I probably won't sleep tonight without some help," Jared admits, even though he looks like he's going to fall down any second.

"How much have you had to drink tonight?" Dean studies his face.

"Not a drop," at Dean's questioning look he continues, "ask Monica. I wanted to have this conversation sober."

"I believe you. Get ready for bed, I'll bring you something to help you sleep." Dean nods toward the bathroom and then exits the room. He walks down the hall and unlocks the cabinet in his office where his bag is. There is an assortment of medication that he keeps in his medical bag for trips, after traveling to Sacramento and coming upon an accident before the ambulance arrived. He tears the blister packs of Valium lose and goes back downstairs to retrieve a glass of water from the kitchen.

Jared is under the covers and sitting up in the bed when Dean returns to the room, he looks so tired and lost that Dean doesn't know what to say to him. This is the second person tonight that he cares deeply for that he's been unable to help and it pisses him off to no end. He sits on the side of the bed.

"I have to ask, any allergies? Problems with dependency? Illegal drug use besides the weed?" Jared looks like he's been punched in the gut. "Any health problems that I don't know about?"

"No, no, no, and no," Jared says sharply, offense tainting his words.

"I had to ask, Jared. Ever taken Valium before?" Dean tries to sound less clinical. He's not sure that he succeeds.

"No, but I did take Xanax in my last year of law school. Mock trials were getting to me and I couldn't sleep. It was just for a few weeks," he admits.

"Any problems with them?" After Jared shakes his head the doctor asks, "Are you on any medication?"

"I take allergy medicine in the spring and sometimes naproxen after a run, but both are over the counter and not everyday.

Dean seems satisfied with his answer and and pops the pill out of blister pack. "Here," he hands it over with the glass and watches as Jared swallows it. "I'll let you get some sleep."

As he moves to get up, Jared grabs his wrist, "Stay?"

Dean wants to, he really fucking wants to, but it's a terrible idea. Jared is hurting and no matter what he says, he is not okay. "I can't, Jared."

"Because of her?" The look on the young lawyer's face is pure guilt and it tears Dean up inside.

Dean takes his face in his hands and strokes his cheeks, "No, not because of her. I'm not going to sleep in the same bed as her and I haven't for awhile now. I want to stay, but I know I won't be able to keep my hands to myself if I do and you are hurting right now. You need to get your head on straight and deal with everything and I need some sleep. Five am is going to come early and I have to be back at the hospital at six."

Jared seems to remember that Dean is still dressed in the royal blue hospital scrubs and asks, "Why were you in surgery so late?"

"There was a really bad accident on I-10. The hospital needed every surgeon that was available," He tried to keep his voice calm as he continued, "Elizabeth was in it."

Jared's reaction is horror that quickly shifts to fear, "Oh my God. Is she okay? How is Jensen?"

"She is hurt pretty badly and lost a lot of blood. Severed some pretty good sized blood vessels and nicked a major artery. She went into shock and we induced a coma. She's in ICU and we won't know the extent of her injuries until she is stable enough for scans." Jared leans in and grips his shoulder in a comforting gesture and Dean leans into his touch before adding, "Jensen is pretty trashed and I didn't want to leave him, but he's got some damn fool's notion that I'm the best doctor to take care of her, so to do that? I have to get some sleep."  
  
Jared nods his understanding of the situation and leans farther in and places a quick kiss to the corner of Dean's mouth. It's chaste and there's nothing sexual about it. Dean gets up and kisses the younger man's forehead, before walking towards the door. "'Night Jared."

"'Night. Hey, Dean? I...um..." He pauses, unsure of how to say the words or even if either of them are ready for that.

The surgeon gets the gist of what Jared is trying to say because he smiles, an actual genuine one that reaches his eyes and says, "Yeah, me too. If you need me, I'm just down the hall, room at the very end."

The younger male nods and lays back on his pillows, while Dean flips the light switch off and pulls the door closed. He walks back down the hallway to his bedroom and to the ensuite.

A quick shower and clean clothes do wonders for his mood and he climbs into bed and turns off the beside light. He's bone tired, eyes and head aching from the focus that was required to pull of such a tedious surgery. Most of blood vessel reattachment is done through a microscope that hurts his eyes if looked at too long, and his neck and back because his posture has to stay precise because he can't look away from the microscope for even a split second. The instruments used for microsurgery are tiny and the dexterity needed to even perform simple sutures on such small body parts is an exercise in control and patience that he's spent the last five years perfecting.

He's painfully aware of Jared's presence just down the hallway and he fights with himself to stay in his own bed. Jared with that stupid hair in his face and too long limbs and hands that can palm Dean's head like a basketball. When his cock twitches against his boxer briefs, he tries to will it back down. He feels absolutely terrible for even considering jerking off to thoughts of his lover like this and he knows that his spank bank is completely and utterly full of just Jared material lately. Even the small snippets of that night with his brother are laced with seeing Jared with him. Of how they would look. If he was less of a freak, he'd have just suggested recording themselves.

He recites the periodic table until his hard-on has calmed down from a throb to just barely a tingle; one he can ignore and does fall asleep, finally. His dreams, however, are restless; they are filled with people that Dean can't save and their loved ones pointing fingers at him.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Three days after Christmas, Elizabeth dies. It's the hardest thing that Dean has ever done, quietly stating the time as the last of the machines is powered down and his brother sobs brokenly; his wife's hand is clutched in his and he doesn't even try to stifle his wailing voice or slow his heaving chest.

_Two days earlier_

_It is almost noon when Dean walks into Elizabeth's room with the results of her latest scans and can already feel the tension headache throbbing behind his eyes and threatening to explode into a full grown migraine across his brow from temple to temple._

_Jensen is at his post, like always, seated in the chair on the right side of his spouse's bed; Liz's hand is folded gently in between Jensen's, it is fragile and cool to the touch. The young lawyer, absentmindedly, strokes the pad of his thumb over his wife's knuckles and caressing the long, delicate bones of her small, but artistically contoured digits. He's humming a tune, Dean can't quite make out the melody yet, but notes that it sounds roughly familiar._

_The hospital's Intensive Care Unit has fairly strict rules when it comes to family visitation and time limits. Only one member of of the immediate family is allowed to stay in the ICU beyond visitation hours. This is the most commonly the next of kin. At 8:00am, 12:00pm, 4:00pm and 8:00pm, there is a thirty minute block where two people are allowed back at a time. Judge Harold Kingrey, his wife, Joan, and their two other children, Matthew and Erica all take turns visiting the third child during these intervals and Jensen sometimes uses them to shower or grab something from the cafeteria._

_No one will be getting anything from the cafeteria today. "Jensen, I need to talk to you and the Kingreys today." The surgeon tries to sound as professional as possible, but he's sure his voice cracks slightly as his twin looks up at him with a mixture fear and confusion._

_*******_

_The conference room that Dean leads the family into is not large by any stretch of the imagination, but it feels even smaller with the weight of what Dean has on his shoulders at the moment._

_"Her latest EEG shows no brain activity and Elizabeth is essentially brain dead. I'm sorry." The condolence sounds fake, even though it isn't and Dean feels his heart shatter a little at the silent sob that his twin lets out._

_Joan gasps and clutches her heart, while Erica openly sobs. The judge is the only one who holds it together long enough speak._

_"So what does that mean for our daughter?" The older male's voice is even and sounds strangely professional and Dean thinks that the man has probably dealt with his share of difficult situations._

_"It means she's not going to wake up," Jensen's voice is raw and clouded with emotion. He angrily wipes the tears from behind his glasses, having foregone the trouble of contacts weeks ago. Knowing that there is nothing else to say about the matter, he pushes out of the chair and moves to exit the room._

_"Jensen, wait..." Dean stands up and places a hand on his brother's arm and it's quickly shrugged off. If his brother had punched him in the face, it probably would have hurt less._

_Dean is left with the remaining quartet of Elizabeth's family when all he wants to do is chase Jensen down._

_"Questions...?" He sits back in his chair and steeples his fingers on the table._

_"How long do we have?" That comes from Matthew, who has been strangely quiet the entire time that the Kingreys have been at the hospital._

_"That's up to you and my brother. Legally, she's already dead. The machines are the only thing keeping her alive and Jensen is right, she's not going to wake up. There's no coming back from this..." he pauses to let the words sink in. "She was an organ donor, so that's something you need to discuss. I'm not a neurologist, so if you'd like a second opinion, I can make some calls."_

_"We just need a moment," Liz's father moves out of his chair to comfort his sobbing spouse and Dean takes the cue to leave the room._

_"I understand, take as much time as you need," he exits the room and strides purposely towards the ICU, he needs to make sure that his twin is okay, or as okay as the man who just lost his whole world can be._

_The privacy curtain is drawn over the glass when Dean gets to Liz's cubicle and Dean pauses at the sound of his sibling's voice over the thrum of machines and monitors._

_Not wanting to interrupt whatever moment Jensen is having, Dean leans against the glass and crosses his strong arms in defeat. He doesn't mean to eavesdrop, but it's impossible not to. He has no clue what to say or even where to begin trying to offer comfort to the one person that would be the first in line if their circumstances were reversed._

_"...you weren't supposed to leave me like this." Jensen's broken sob tears at Dean's heart strings as he hears his brother's voice crack and near hysterical. "I don't think I can do this without you, I don't know how to do this without you." There's a long pause where Dean can hear his twin openly crying and it's a sound he hasn't heard since they were children. It's a foreign sound that is all wrong in the adult timber of his register._

_"We were supposed to grow old together and now I have to say goodbye to you and I don't think I can. God, I love you so much, how am I supposed to be okay after this?" There is more muffled whimpering and Dean has heard enough. He taps lightly on the glass before entering the room._

_Jensen's doesn't look surprised nor does he try to hide the fact that he was bawling his eyes out when Dean rounds the curtain and stands a safe distance away. "We need to talk about this."_

_His sibling surprises him by standing up and engulfing him in a bone crushing hug, wetting his lab coat with his tears before speaking. "As soon as mom and Sarah get here, to say their goodbyes."_

_Dean breathes a sigh of relief, he was actually worried that he was going to have to do some serious arguing about keeping her alive and what a burden that would be._

*******

Present

If Dean thought pulling the plug on life support was hard, he has no idea how he's going to make it through the next few days. Jensen agreed to allow Liz's body to be flown back to Colorado for burial and her funeral, so he's now trapped in first class with his siblings, mother and Jensen's in-laws.

His brother looks pale and defeated in the window seat of the plane next to him and his aviator sunglasses do their job of hiding his red-rimmed, irritated eyes. Caroline shooting worried glances across the aisle where she and Sarah are keeping a close eye on the pair.

When the barely legal flight attendant does a double take at the pair while taking drink orders before departure, Dean fights the urge to make an inappropriate comment or to even smile in lieu of his show of solidarity for his brother.

Jensen hears his mother whispering to the flight attendant and rolls his eyes behind the cover of his Ray Bans; he's thinking to himself that before this plane lands, everyone onboard will know his whole life story and it’s not something that he will ever have to worry about happening with Dean. His brother is like freaking Fort Knox and he's glad that the surgeon insisted on sitting next to him for the duration of the trip. It saved him the pain of being fawned over by their mom or the pitying glances of his sister as she tried to ease some of his pain. No one questioned the fact that this left Monica to sit in the last row of first class with a stranger, but then again, Dean's marital woes are barely even a blip on the radar with the favorite child hurting.

Jensen has his earbuds in and the music is turned down to an extremely low volume and he's not really listening. It's a deterrent to having anyone ask him for the twentieth time if he was okay. He was abso-fucking-lutely not okay, but that was not what everyone wanted to hear so he simply stated, "Fine." When the idiots should know that he was anything but. At least Dean hadn't asked and had only offered him medication for his airsickness and offers of mundane things like a bottle of water or the Reese's Pieces that he bought at the airport right before departure. Both of which Jensen declined, but did accept the medication, which was beginning to pull him into a warm sense of ease; he knew nothing bad was going to happen to him seated next to the person he trusted his life with.

While the younger sibling dozes, Dean tries to get some work finished on his tablet and not think about how easily his twin had accepted pills without even knowing what it was or how he'd calmed down enough to sleep the few hours that they'd be in the air. The doctor knows for a fact that Jensen hasn't slept much and has eaten even less in the month that had followed the accident.

  
*******

  
The Kingrey's home is a large, two-story, modern farmhouse that sits on a good sized piece of land and Dean can see how it fits in with what he knows about the judge and his family. It actually has enough room to accommodate the Ackles family before Dean insists on staying at a hotel just inside Colorado Springs and ten minutes away from Liz's childhood home. He feels weird enough imposing on them at their daughter's services, but they clearly love Jensen and by default try and make him and the rest of his clan feel comfortable despite the circumstances.

The four bedroom suite at the Four Seasons is a little over the top and though Dean would have rather have had separate rooms, his mother has other ideas. She wants to keep an eye on her middle child and though Dean agrees that that is a good idea, the charade of having to share a room with his wife makes him feel a strange sense of wrongness at the idea.

The family has just enough time to freshen up and change before the wake begins and Dean picks out one of the many black suits he packed in his garment bag. It's simple and tailored to fit him well, the only accessory besides his Rolex are the black diamond cufflinks that belonged to his father.

He's tying his black silk tie in a full Windsor Knot in the full length mirror of the room when Monica approaches him and holds out her hand. She drops the platinum wedding band in his palm, but doesn't say a word. He has never religiously worn it, as he'd have to remove it for surgery, but he's grateful that she remembered to pack it. Being without it would raise more questions than he wants to deal with, but he was focused on getting flights and hotels booked and not on trivial things such as drawing attention to his marital status.

He's just slipped it on his finger when Jensen knocks on the door and Monica lays a comforting hand on the younger male's arm before waking around him to exit the room. The lawyer is in his own black suit with a charcoal tie hanging undone around his neck. "I can't get this tied, my hands just won't work," he sounds almost embarrassed and looks close enough to tears that Dean just smiles and proceeds to make quick work of the knot and inspects his work before moving out of in front of the mirror.

Dean takes in his twin's appearance and though as different as it is, Jensen's carefully parted hair and clean shaven face is a direct contrast to Dean's three days of stubble and artfully tousled spikes, the similarities are still striking. He clears his throat and smooths the lapels of Jensen's jacket and simply says, "I have no idea what to say or do to make this better, because I don't think anything will make it better. But I'm here for whatever you need, if it is just running interference. So you have to tell me what you need- to back off or listen to you or keep mom off your back."

Jensen gives his brother a half hearted smile and gives him a one armed hug, "Thank you bro, seriously. I'll never be able to repay you for that surgery that was hella complicated and Barrett said you were the only who could have pulled it off. Thanks for taking her on as a patient and seeing to her care even on the weekends, it means a lot. There's no one I would have trusted more and I know you did everything you could." Tears are now glistening in the lawyer's eyes and the oldest of the pair pushes down his own emotional turmoil, his brother needs him to be strong.

  
*******

  
The wake is relatively uneventful, Liz's was well liked in the area and had a myriad of relatives and friends from high school to pay their respects. Jensen was diligent in his duty of greeting visitors at the casket and hearing the same lines of,"If you need anything let us know," "She looks almost like she's sleeping," and "I am so sorry, she was one of the best people I've ever met and it breaks my heart." The lawyer appreciates the sentiment and tries his best to convey his thanks for those who offer condolences.

Dean sits in the front row of the funeral home, a silent presence ready to offer any comfort that he can to his twin. Just the thought of him close by helps more than he realizes and he's going to be eternally grateful.

  
*******

  
Once the wake is over and the funeral parlor has closed for the evening, the judge insists that they stop by the house to grab something to eat, because neighbors, friends and a lot the community brought enough food to feed an army and Jensen acquiesces to their request and they soon find themselves eating, drinking and sharing stories about Elizabeth. It starts out light-hearted, but the mood grows somber and soon enough, Jensen asks to be taken back to their suite.

The drive back in the rented SUV is met with mostly silence and both brothers are happy for it, even if the tension in the vehicle is palpable. Once the vehicle is surrendered to the valet, the group makes their way up the elevator and Jensen heads straight to his room. Sarah, Wes, Paul and Caroline sit in the open area of the suite that serves as a living room and Dean sticks his head into Jensen's room, "Need anything tonight? I prescribed you some anxiety and sleep medication, want me to go get it?"

The lawyer hesitates at first, he doesn't like medication and has never been a fan, but he knows sleep won’t come otherwise and it is starting screw with his head. "That would be good, thank you."

"I'll bring it to you, give me a minute to get it out of my bag." Dean’s focus is single-minded as he searches his backpack for the two prescription bottles that he had filled in the hospital's pharmacy before they left California. On a whim he changes into a t-shirt and pajama bottoms before leaving the room, Monica is out in the living space with the family and talking to Sarah quietly about the baby.

Jensen is sitting up in the bed and it's a strange sense of Deja Vu of the scene with Jared almost a month ago and he doesn't ask Jensen any questions that he had asked Jared. He knows his brother. He hands over the bottles and gets his brother a glass of water from the bathroom.

Jensen is studying the labels on the bottles that are in fact prescribed to him and trying to remember what they are for. He had started out taking classes to do pharmacology and anatomy before switching to law, so the names seem familiar. The Klonopin he knows will help him sleep and the Xanax will calm him down during the day. They are very low doses and he takes a Klonopin and downs his water, before setting the glass on the nightstand and curling up on his side.

Dean curls up in the huge bed and faces his twin. They are several feet apart and he says, "I'll stay with you till you fall asleep. Make sure there are no adverse reactions," he tacks the last part on to make it seem like a purely concern about the medication.

Jensen just nods and stays curled up facing him, eyes fluttering closed as he waits for the medication to start to work. It's only a few minutes before Jen's breathing evens out and he slips into a seemingly peaceful slumber. Dean watches for a while before his own exhaustion starts tugging at him and he closes his eyes and lets drowsiness pull him under.

  
*******

  
The funeral the next day is even more rounds of people who loved Elizabeth and they turn out to pay respects and offer the same forms of comfort. The actual service isn't that long and one thing that shocks Dean is catching sight of a tall figure with dark chestnut hair at the back of the parlor. His breath catches in his throat and he shoves those emotions down, they are inappropriate and as happy as he is to see the man, he's fairly sure this is a horrible idea.

Even at the cemetery with the freezing temperatures and snow falling all around, he can't bring himself to approach the man; then he notices Adrienne at his side and white hot anger bubbles inside his chest and jealousy flares up in his throat.

Once they are back in the solitude of the Kingrey's place, Adrienne corners Dean in the kitchen. The slap she delivers to his face rings out loud in his ears and his face automatically starts burning and getting red from the force of her hand. He deserves it, so he stays silent.

"I"m here for Jensen and because Elizabeth was my friend, but I'll never forgive either of you. I came with Jared because it was easier traveling with him than alone, but you two need to stay out of my way." She looks him dead in the eye and he can see she means every word. He raises his hand in a non threatening gesture and backs away from her furious gaze.

Back in the quiet of the living room, Erica comes through with an infant that looks to be several months old and he remembers that Elizabeth went to visit her when the baby was born and her and Jensen had a few times afterwards. He's the only one in the room and she holds the baby out to him, "Can you please just hold her for a second, I have to use the restroom and she cries when ever I've set her down."

Dean is reluctant, but she doesn't give him a choice as she deposits the dark-haired little girl whose eyes seem to be turning brown in his lap. All of the Kingrey children seem to have dark hair and eyes and it must be a dominant trait. She begins fussing immediately and he tries to quiet the the tiny human down by walking the length of the living room. It doesn't work and she continues to fuss as though she's in pain. He wonders belatedly if she's teething.

Jensen strides into the room and takes the crying child out of his brother's arms. "Hey, Molly," he coos at the baby and actually earns a laugh from the adorable little tike and Dean is a little offended.

"Dude, you're like the baby whisperer," the older twin says a little in awe of his brother and watches with quiet affection as he plays with the girl.

"Well, you're holding her all clinical like you are examining her and babies can pick up on that." Jensen says as he makes raspberries on her little stomach and bounces her on his knee.

"I'm not good with kids, reason number eight-hundred and fifty-six of why I'm not in Pediatrics." The doctor snorts and is still unable to look away at the actual happiness on his brother's face as he sits on the couch and holds her chubby hands, letting her legs support her. "Looks like she will be walking soon."

Erica picks that time to re-enter the room and shoots Dean a frown as she notices that her brother-in-law has her daughter. "Want me to take her, Jensen?" She asks, already halfway to the pair.

"Nah, I've got her," Jensen sounds somewhat normal for the first time in ages and Dean realizes that it has to be painful, knowing his brother actually wants one of these tiny terrorists and now it’s not going to happen.

Erica regards him carefully, but leaves the room stating, "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

"We're fine, right, Molly E.?" Jensen says to the still smiling baby and picks her up to sit on his thigh.

"Molly E.?" Dean asks with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Elizabeth," Jensen quietly answers, kissing the child's forehead and continues to play with her.

  
*******

  
Back in California, Dean sits with Jensen in his walk-in closet and quietly helps his brother fold up Elizabeth's side of the closet to be taken to Goodwill. It's methodical and a little sad as Jensen looks so lost in his own home. The surgeon excuses himself to the bathroom and is coming out when the land line rings and Jensen lets the answering machine pick up.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ackles, this is Karen from Dr. Myer's office calling about your IVF procedure, I need you to call us back at your earliest convenience." The number is given out and Dean memorizes it.

Jensen is still packing up totes and boxes when Dean leans against the door jamb and says, "I want you to come stay with me for awhile."

Jensen looks up and shakes his head no, "I don't want to. You aren't running a halfway house for charity."

"No, I'm not, but I do have plenty of space for the people I care about to come and stay with me. I'd feel better, humor me? You don't really want to stay here, do you?" Dean placates.

Jensen still shakes his head and says, "That's not going to be awkward at all."

"It doesn't have to be. The condo is big enough that you don't have to see any of us if you don't want to. But I'd feel a lot better having you around, and mom is going to make you the same offer." Dean's smile is a little too satisfied at the mention of their mother.

Jensen groans and reluctantly agrees, leaving his late wife's belongings on the floor in order to start packing his own clothing and necessities.

  
*******

  
Once Jensen is settled into the guest room right next to his own room, Dean goes down to grab take out menus and bumps into Monica in the kitchen. She has an odd smile on her face and he stops and says, "Why are you hanging around so much?"

She laughs with her whole body and something he used to find incredibly sexy, nearly turns his stomach. "And miss all this? Not a chance."

"I'm so glad that my life has become a joke to you." His response is a little bitter, but not the biting barb that he intended.

She laughs again and says while finishing her glass of wine, "Sweetie, your life has always been a joke. But you actually feeling something? Mr. Iceman himself? Now that's priceless." She doesn't wait for his retort before she sashays out of the room and out of sight.

  
*******

  
It takes Dean three days to call the clinic and to find out that embryo cryopreservation was a viable option and to start formulating a plan.

Then all it took was the nurse recognizing his face, one forged signature and the payment in cash to have his brother and dead sister-in-law's fertilized eggs frozen for later use.

The call to Jared went a little less smoothly as he told him that he needed to have a contract drawn up.

"Isn't your brother your lawyer?" Jared's voice was full of skepticism and sounded almost frightened at whatever his lover was dragging him into.

"Not for this. I'll let you know what I need tonight. Meet me downtown, there are to many ears at the condo." Dean wasn't asking and Jared debated on telling him no.

In the end he just sighed and said, "Yeah, I'll meet you there at about 7, will that work?"

"That's perfect," Dean answered and hung up the phone. The rest of his day went decidedly well as he pretty much smiled and hummed while doing his rounds and finishing his appointment schedule.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared slowly turns his key in the lock of Dean’s apartment downtown and the scene before him is not what he expects to see. Dean is seated at the desk with his tie loosened and the sleeves of his white oxford shirt rolled up past his forearms. The surgeon's comically large laptop is opened before him and he's looking at an extremely thick book right next to it as his fingers fly over the keyboard.

Jared clears his throat and Dean looks up and smiles. "Hey, what couldn't you tell me about at home?" The older man approaches and wraps his arms the lawyer's waist, pulling him down the few inches until their lips seal together. Dean all but forces his tongue past the seams and licks at the opening, hands descending lower until he's able to cup the rounded muscles and drag their lower bodies tightly against each other. The kiss becomes desperate, with the shorter of the pair biting and lapping at the other's mouth until the need for oxygen becomes to great.

"Hey, slow down." Jared pushes back against the doctor's shoulders until they are no longer sharing the same breath, but still within touching distance, "If you wanted me down here just so we could have loud sex, you could have just told me that. Using a contract," he air quotes the word and Dean laughs at the action. "Seriously," the taller man evades pursuing lips and takes a step back, "is that what this is?"

"No, I actually do have something for you to look over for me." Dean changes gears and lets go, walking back to the book and his computer. He picks up the book and Jared immediately recognizes it, its a textbook on contract law.

"Where'd you get that?" Jared is more curious than suspicious at this point and he takes the nearly pristine book out of the other man's hands.

"It's my brother's. I borrowed it," the physician shrugs and closes the book. Jared doesn't ask if he had permission or not and this late in the game, swiping a book his sibling probably knows by heart is a minor offense. Dean types on his keyboard again before the wireless printer blinks to life and spits out several pieces of paper. The surgeon hands the pages over, but instead of letting go, he doesn't release them immediately.

"The top one is a standard retainer, I suggest you sign it." Jared scoffs, but reads over the document and sure enough, it's just a standard retainer that grants Dean lawyer/client privileges.

As innocent and routine of a document it is, Jared grows more agitated the further down the page he get of the formal document. "So the fact that I left my wife for you has no bearing. You're making me sign a retainer? Need I remind you, that we are both going down, if one of us does?"

Dean hands over the ballpoint pin that's in his shirt pocket and Jared snaps it out of his hands. "This isn't about that. This has nothing to do with you, but by living under my roof it affects you. So this is for your protection."

The weight of the statement hits the lawyer like a freight train and he nearly doubles over from the thought of _What is worse than rape?_ "Just what the hell are you dragging me into, Dean?" Jared shoves against the older male and Dean refuses to budge.

"Sign the damn paper and I'll tell you," Dean is rapidly losing patience. This is the one person that he shouldn't have to convince of anything. "Trust me, please."

Jared really wants to, but the last year of his life has been turned upside down by the man in front of him. Every fiber of being, every spare scrap of intuition tells him to say no and run, but he can't. Dean could give him a million reasons to walk out that door and he would still desperately cling to the one reason for staying.

"Okay," the younger man finally acquiesces and picks up the pen. He signs the document and initials it in the appropriate places. Dean shoves it into his briefcase and hands over the other documents. "Not going to get it notarized, first?" He is only halfway kidding.

The older man shrugs and says, "We both know that you aren't going to say anything. And if this goes sideways, we've got plenty of time."

Jared loses his own jacket and tie, releasing the top button of his shirt and sitting down on the couch. He pours himself a drink from the bottle on the cocktail table and gets comfortable.

The first couple of pages are standard language and doesn't give him any idea what is going on until he gets to the third page and there is a sum of money and a dictation about relinquishment of parental rights. He reads the line over and over again until he finally puts the document down and downs the contents of his glass.

"Well?" The surgeon finally asks when the silence in the room becomes too much and tension threatens to bubble over.

"Well, the language is a little rough, I'm assuming because an MD wrote this and you guys are always too clinical," Jared starts, but he cuts himself off when he notices the way the skin around the older man's mouth has tightened in anticipation. "It'll work, but if I'm reading this right, you want a kid? With your wife? That you hate?"

"Hate is such a strong word," Dean placates and then amends, "Okay, I hate her."

"But you want to reproduce with her? Will that go down the conventional way?" Jared can't quite believe he's jealous right now. But there it is, the feeling that he gave up on his happy ending to be with this jerk who wants his cake and to eat it to.

"No!" Jared flinches from the way that Dean snaps at him and he watches the man obviously trying to calm himself down before continuing. "Okay, I'm not doing anything, it's already been done. I just need someone to cart it around for nine months. Now, if you have a uterus that you're hiding, feel free to offer it up. No? Here's a novel idea, you focus on being my lawyer and I'll worry about the science involved."

Jared is sure he's missing something. He keeps turning the last year over in his mind and can't think of a single instance where Dean has even pretended to like kids. The concept of time slowing down is a real phenomenon, because Jared suddenly remembers a conversation that happened several months prior, " _Want another beer?"_

_Jensen turns around and drains the last of his bottle a grabs his wallet. "Nah, I shouldn't. I have to make a deposit to the bank tomorrow and I shouldn't drink too much. I'm pretty sure dad's alcoholism is what's wrong with my brother."_

_Jared thinks of the stark differences between the two men and throws his own bills down on the bar. "Good point." They laugh good-naturedly and then the older man shrugs his jacket on._

It's like a record scratching over the past few weeks and Jared's mind starts racing. "What did you do?" Before he realizes what he's even doing, he is on his feet and backing away from the surgeon.

"Relax," Dean has his empty hands out and isn't getting any closer. "I swear, I had nothing to do with Elizabeth. I did everything I could. I'm a lot of things, Jared. But I'm a good doctor, you know that."

Jared is surprised that he finds himself calming down. "How did you get ahold of the embryos?"

Dean looks a little reluctant to share that with him, but he finally sighs and says, "A) I'm a doctor, so I knew exactly who to call. So I had them put on ice for him. B) there isn't a test that science has come up with that can tell which one of us the father is. And C)," it's with exaggerated flourish that the surgeon gestures toward his face.

"You're crazy," Jared turns to unlock the door and Dean is suddenly backed up against the bulk of the entryway.

"Come on, Jared. I know that he's going to want this, he just doesn't know it yet. You didn't see him, you have no idea." The surgeon won't allow the younger man to open the door and Jared feels his world tilt slightly on it's axis. "And you wanted the 2.5 kids, right?"

"Not like this. That's your brother and his dead wife's children that you are talking about. For God sake's man. Hasn't he been through enough? He won't ever agree to this. He doesn't want to do this without her, that's his choice." The younger man suddenly feels sick to his stomach.

"That's why we aren't asking," the words are spoken softly and the doctor punctuates them by pulling the bigger man's fingers off the deadbolt and holding his hand in his own. "Come on, Jared. Think. One day, soon, he's going to wish for this."

The lawyer allows himself to be pulled back towards the couch, Dean placing soft kisses on his throat and the side of his neck, strong fingers unbuttoning his shirt and shoving it off his shoulders. Once the garment is dropped to the floor, Jared's undershirt follows.

Dean is unbuckling his belt when Jared find his voice, "What are you getting out of this?"

Dean regards him carefully, scrubbing one hand over his face and wetting his lips before speaking, "I suppose you want to hear that I'm doing this for him? That I'm not a monster and I can make this happen? Huh? A textbook answer that will pass any psyche eval? That I'm doing this so that he will have a reason to live? To not shrivel up and die because she's gone?"

"I want the truth, try that." The taller man's words are harsher than he intended.

"The truth is this, I don't share my things." The delivery is so innocuous that they could be discussing the weather, Dean saying that he doesn't care if it's sunny tomorrow or if it rains.

"Are you talking about Jensen or the baby?" It slips out before Jared can stop it and hangs in the silence of the room.

"Does it matter?" Jared wants to say that it does, but he can't even lie to himself. Not when the man he bet the farm on is clearly bats in the belfry.

"There is something broken in you," the words are whispered, like a benediction and if there is a hell, both of them are going. Jared feels his zipper being lowered and cooler air hitting his stomach and crotch, but it's like he's under a thousand gallons of water, gasping for breath and drowning at the same time.

  
*******

  
Dean is smoking on the balcony while Jared gathers up his discarded clothing and dresses. His mind clearing slightly with each body part that is safely locked away again. He should leave, just pack his shit and get the hell out of dodge, but what would that solve? He can't go home, because what does he tell his mother, who has likely already heard Adrienne's side of the story? Whether Jared agrees or likes any part of this, it is happening.

"We should go," Is what he finally says as the doctor slips back in the sliding doors. He hands him his pants and undershirt but Dean doesn't put them on.

"Why? Monica is there. She's watching him." The surgeon is nonplused by the statement and Jared openly gapes at him. "What? Not even she has the bad taste to start something that quick and I know my brother, he wouldn't touch her with my dick."

"By the way, what is she getting out of this? I don't get the feeling that she's president of your fan club," He seriously tried not to ask, but it's been nagging at him for the last hour.

"Well, I need a uterus. Someone who will be close by and that can't be subpoenaed or that won't raise suspicion with him. And she wants what she always wants. Money. Lots and lots of money." If the admission bothers the doctor, Jared simply can't tell, but everything in him says that it doesn't even register with the man.

  
*******

  
Jensen is sleeping on the couch in the den when Jared goes to turn the TV off, The Late Show playing quietly in the background.

"Hey Jensen," Jared tries quietly, before seeing those emerald eyes blink open and there is a slight smile on the sleep mussed man. "It's late man, why don't you go up to bed."

Jensen grabs his glasses off of the end table and lets his eyes focus while Jared finds the remote and turns the entire entertainment system off.

"S'Dean home?" The younger Ackles brother fights back a yawn and finally sits upright on the cushions.

"Yeah, something wrong?" The butterflies in Jared's stomach are not because he finds the bed hair adorable, "Want me to get him?"

"Nah, I'll find him. It's just this medicine is giving me nightmares and I wonder if there is something different he can give me." Jensen isn't nearly as guarded about things as his twin and Jared thinks for the hundredth time of the night, why would he be? He's not a sick fuck like his brother.

There's a pause and Jared realizes that he hasn't said anything, "What kind of nightmares?"

Jensen rubs his forehead and looks a little sheepish, "I don't remember. But I know I didn't like it." There is another shrug and Jared gets the feeling that Jensen isn't exactly lying, but he isn't telling the complete truth. It's puzzling to the younger man until he sees the pink flush on his cheeks and then he understands. He's embarrassed because Jared is just his friend, one he doesn't really know all that well and he just asked him some really personal shit.

Jared laughs and tries to act normal, "When I started law school? I had some awful dreams. It's probably just stress," he turns his back, granting the older man a reprieve and says over his shoulder, "I'll tell him your looking. Goodnight, man. "

Jensen's echoed reply is barely heard as the blood rushes to Jared's ears and he climbs the staircase. Dean isn't hard to find, he's in his office reading a medical journal, a glass of something dark swirling around in a low ball, precariously held by his fingertips. Jared shuts and locks the door and only then does the man acknowledge him.

"Your brother is having bad dreams and wants to know if you can give him something that won't cause them?" The question is punctuated with a pointed look by the lawyer.

"What? It's probably not the medication. And what is that look for? I'm only giving him a mild sedative and anxiety medicine that he has been taking of his own violation. I'm not drugging my brother up, what's the point?" Dean closes the book and places it on his desk. "Fine, I'll go talk to him right now."

Jensen is laying on his side, tucked in on himself. He's always slept like this and Dean absentmindedly wonders if its a hold over from the seven months he spent in the womb of a woman who was barely five-five with another person in there. He isn't sleeping though and opens his eyes when Dean knocks on he door.

"Jared said you wanted to see me?" He perches on the side of the bed, his brother making no attempt to sit up. They shared a bedroom for years, right up until their sixteenth birthday, when Jensen asked for his own. A dorm was shared for four years at UCLA, and then an apartment that was occupied until Jensen moved in with Liz a year before they married. It seems like their whole life has been spent with Jensen leaving his brother, in one capacity or the other.

"I've just been having bad dreams. Thought maybe the medicine was causing it." His brother looks young, pale against the light coming from the bedside lamp.

"That class of sedatives usually doesn't cause nightmares at that small of a dose and then its usually a sign of withdrawal. It's used to prevent nightmares brought on by stress and insomnia."Dean rattles off the information as if he's reading it from a text book and his brother looks at him with an odd expression. "What?"

The younger brother shakes his head and then shrugs, "You just sounded a lot like dad just now."

Dean laughs, "Well, your drunken fit at Halloween? That reminded me of dad."

"The man did have a gift. He could chew your ass out and read the newspaper at the same time, his voice never changing. Sounded like his wrath was printed right there between the sports section and the obits." Jensen sits up against the headboard and mimes reading a paper, "The Rangers lost again, they aren't shit without Ryan on the mound, how the hell did you get a C in biology? No more video games until that's an A. Old man Murphy died, funeral is Friday."

It's a spot-on imitation and Dean laughs louder. "I'd take dad's robot ass chewing any day over mom yelling at me so loud that I'm sure she busted capillaries in her brain. Deeeeaaannnn! Stooopp hitting yoour brother. Riight nooow!"

"Remember when we'd switch rooms so you could stay out? Mom never even opened my bedroom door. I guess she knew that I was too afraid of her to break curfew." Jensen is smiling and even after everything that has happened, it's a sight that Dean craves.

"You were afraid to break it, but you'd sure as hell climb down the trellis after she went to bed. I think mom must have done something horrible in a past life to get the two of us. Why the hell did she want grandkids when I've heard her pray that we both had kids just like us. I don't want any part of that. I'd hate to prove mom wrong, because Lord knows I've heard 'You're just liike yoour faather!' " Dean makes his voice falsetto, the vowels stretched out in the words. "Too many times, but I couldn't calmly chew someone's ass out, especially not doing the shit we did."

"Dean, how come you never told me? You know it wouldn't have changed anything, not between us. It couldn't have been easy, especially not in Texas." The younger brother's voice is soft, reasonable, like he's always been.

The eldest twin rubs the back of his neck, it's his tell for when he's uncomfortable with something, "I don't know, man. I guess partially because I wanted to prove all those assholes wrong that judged us before we opened our mouths. We were cheerleaders, even to my ears it's a cliche. Then it was the ultimate fuck you to dad and his donations to the Republic Party and all of that conservative nonsense. Then, it just didn't matter, because dad was gone and here and he left us there, like we weren't his sons."

Jensen starts giggling and soon he's nearly wheezing and it's like a balm to the older brother's tortured soul, "What is so funny?"

Once the younger brother finally quiets, he has to wipe the moisture from his eyes and down his cheeks. "Let me get this straight, or not so straight..."

"You done?" Dean is amused and his brother knows, but his long suffering act is familiar, like a shield.

"You're bi because you thought it would piss dad off? Want to win points with mom? Tell her that." The younger sibling is still smiling.

"No, I'm bi because it is natural and normal in biology for it to happen. I'm not defective." Dean notices the way his brother's  eyebrows have raised to his hairline. It isn't often that he lets his self deprecating sense of humor go and actually just says what he feels.

"You know, Lizzie knew. She told me once," The younger of the pair makes a show of looking up and says, "Hear that? I owe you fifty bucks."

Dean smacks his brother's bicep before turning serious again, "I can prescribe you something else, but I don't think it's the drugs. You're grieving and stressed out and I hate to say it, but other than talking to a therapist, you are probably going to just have to ride it out."

"I'll be fine. Thanks for letting me crash here, bro." Jensen squeezes his brother's arm, like he's done a million times over from childhood till now. It's their silent language that they've been speaking since before they could actually talk.

"Anything you need," Dean switches off the light as his sibling settles himself back against the pillow. He feels an overwhelming sadness in his chest and shoves it as far down as he can and pulls the door closed.

Jared is leaning against the wall next to the master bedroom, long legs and arms crossed over each other and Dean does not even acknowledge him when he opens his own door. He purposely lengthens his stride until the steps to the ensuite are eaten up and he can hide behind the safety of the bathroom.

The shower is just this side of too hot, but Dean pays it little mind, scrubbing his skin until it's pink and angry. It is unnecessary in his own home to wash nearly a layer of epidermis off just to feel clean, but the act is methodical and familiar and it gives him the must needed time to get his shit together. Willing his emotions down is easier now then when he was an angry fifteen-year-old, but he's had a lifetime of shoving his feelings aside and acting the part.

Jared is still standing at the doorway of the bedroom when Dean exits, suit pants and button down that is wrinkled still covering him like it's offering him protection. The older twin's ratty, old Astros tee is at least a size too small and the moisture is causing it to cling even worse. His boxer briefs are worn alone, he is just too tired to find his pajamas and it is his house.

"You want an engraved invitation?" He says to the younger man, turning down the covers and punching his pillow.

Jared is slow to move, he saunters slowing over and sits on the bedside, "I wasn't sure if you wanted me in here."

"If you plan on sleeping here, I'm going to insist that you make use of one of the 6 showers in this place," Dean has more bubbling up, but his throat is closing up on him with tears that he has refused to cry for more than a decade.

"I never," Jared is tiptoeing around the subject and it makes the burning behind the surgeon's eyes increase, "I've never seen you like you are with him, just now."

"Because no one gets to see that. What do you want to hear, that since around the ninth day after my mom had one too many margaritas, he's been my other half? That I'm so messed up because we are accidents in nature, one person divided between two bodies? That the type of twins we are is so rare that we even shared an amniotic sac? That we nearly died because my mother was too small to carry the two of us and it caused a ton of complications? How about that she was confined to her bed for several months before we were born? Is that what you want to hear? Because buddy, I've got a degree in genetics and my old man thought he was Frankenstein and I can go on all night." Once the dam is down, Dean can't make himself stop talking and Jared is too paralyzed by the crap tumbling out of the man's mouth to say anything or move.

"My dad was a piece of work that thought we were so fascinating in principal that he never shut up about what freaks of nature we were and so boring in practice that he couldn't even be assed to raise his voice no matter what we did. He'd preach about rarity and what a prize we were, until the tuition bills came in for two instead of one. Then, he'd pit us against each other and force us to share the same space? The same room, the same car, the same freaking dorm or apartment and that I never had one second of privacy until I was a grown ass man?" Dean hasn't cried since he was fifteen-years-old and his dad moved to California. But the dampness on his cheeks and the tremble of his words, tells his logical brain that he is right now. "How's your Chinese philosophy, Jared? Because him and me? We are yin and yang, light and darkness, good and bad."

"Dean, I didn't..." Jared words are shaky at best, "I'm sorry, I screwed you up and I would never have opened my mouth. I wish I could take it back."

Dean wipes his face and laughs. It is humorless and sounds empty, "Trust me, Jared, you didn't screw us up. Just made me see that no matter what I'm feeling, he's the only other person that can possibly understand it. Will he be mad at me? Hell yes, but at the end of the day, he and I are the same. He's half a person without me and Jensen never could hold a grudge."

"It's not too late, Dean. Why can't you just forget all about what your planning and just be?" The lawyer sounds small, way too young to be the mountain of a man that he is.

"Be? I haven't been able to be since around nine to thirteen days after my conception. My dad may of been Frankenstein, but you and I both know who the monster is. Now, if you don't mind, I need some sleep."

Jared watches his lover click the light off, before turning away from him on the mattress, and drawing the comforter up around his waist. He watches the older male's breathing even out before creeping quietly down the hall way.

Jared makes it downstairs to the kitchen and rifles through the cabinets for some alcohol and is well on his way to drunk when Monica comes in and sits down.

Dean's wife is makeup free and it's the only time that he's ever seen her like this. She looks incredibly young and innocent, like the girl next door of any town, U.S.A.

"Bet you're thinking you picked the wrong brother?" She says it flippantly, a comment thrown over her shoulder while she gets her own glass and helps herself to the bottle on the table.

"Why? Is that what you think?" Jared is curious how all of this never seems to bother the woman.

Her laugh is rich, full bodied and painfully attractive. "No, I know that I got the right brother. Dean and I were too much alike to ever be a good thing together, I knew that going in. We had a lot of fun in the beginning, but this stopped being fun years ago. You seem like a decent guy, I'd get out now."

Her words only serve to piss Jared off, like Dean isn't worthy of love. He doesn't know why he is offended on Dean's behalf when he's thought the same thing a dozen times. "I think I'll stay, thanks."

"Suit yourself. Let me give you a piece of advice, though. People like me and Dean? We are wired wrong, and people like you and Jensen always seem to be the ones that get hurt." She puts her glass in the dishwasher.

"Is that a threat?" Jared has had a fucked up day and way too much to drink for a woman that weighs around 110 to threaten him.

"No. It's a history lesson. Trust me, you've got the wrong brother." Her words are still ringing in his head the next morning when Jared watches the sun come up.

  



End file.
